i love the movie Kung Fu Panda. there is no secret ingredient. it is all about the inside of us, what we believe about ourselves, and Who we believe in. i am poor in spirit, but rich in Spirit. i love to bake with love, sew with love, garden with love. His Spirit is about love. this year some of my students have become like all other students in the past that i have taught. after 1.5 years they believe they know more than the teacher – me. they don’t listen, they talk back, they are rude, they don’t study, in short – i wish the would leave. this year they have taken it to a further extreme in that they believe my only job is to teach – which means i have to restrain love in my classroom. it is sad they are so selfish and sad. but it is what it is, and eventually they will hopefully learn a valuable lesson. that they are poor in spirit.
Who will help??
Sunday nite. Studied almost all day because yesterday I went with my Sam and the youth group to a Lutheran church in downtown Cleveland… just down from West Side Market. It is in an area known as Ohio City. We arrived with 32 meatloaves, mashed potatoes, green beans and desserts for 200. At about 330 they started showing up. I was making coffee pot after pot after pot. It was cold. They were wrapped in coats, hats, gloves and blankets. Each one was given a ticket to go downstairs for hygiene products and clothing. There were lots of boots and gloves and hats and coats and socks. Dinner was served at 430 with prayer and music. And by 545 they were fed, had take home meals to go with them, and gone ~ as quickly as they had gotten there. There were 165 of them – with eyes and hands and faces and souls.
I talked to them, filled their coffee cups, and wondered the whole time… where is the Church? in the midst of this city, where is the Church? why must these people go from place to place to eat and get clothing and personal care products? Why aren’t there programs to help with life skills and vocational skills and how to cook and live on what you make and it was overwhelming. I think of the book In His Steps by Charles Sheldon. I wonder how accountable I will be held for what I know and what I should have done.
The youth did great – serving and talking and cleaning up. I am hopeful they saw the people.. not the smells, not the sadness, not the shopping carts with all their personal possessions or the backpacks stuffed with their life.
snowy day!
it is Friday and a storm blew in last night. Snow, very bitter wind chill, and temps in the single digits. Thought we would have a two hour delay, and we did, but then it turned into a closing! Yeah God! I just need to learn to say ‘yeah God!’ to the storms in life ~ knowing that He cares for me in it all. why is that so very hard? My first week back to work after break and my trip to the Monastery was a storm I never expected. Being home today I listened to Chip Ingram, his show is Living on the Edge. I will listen to it again with his notes… about personal attack from Nehemiah. He spoke that at times we do not need to defend ourselves, which in the attacks last week I did not respond with any type of defense. Life is interesting. I wonder where is Christ taking us? What should my response be to each situation? I continually am reminded of the defense of Love. just Love. Love. Love. I wonder.
still the new reality
It is so very hard to understand. Children running the lives of families. Teenagers who behave as angry spoiled children that get whatever they want. I teach these kind of children. They look nice, they smile pretty, the can say exactly the right thing. They might even cry on cue. I know this thought has been thought before BUT ~ what is the world coming to? Will these be the people in charge when I am too old to chastise them? What is the Lord doing? or thinking?
I am frustrated. with my job. with my choice of grad school. with the day to day of life. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me wonder about my viability in the Kingdom of the High King.
and as I said some of this to my girlfriend last nite on the phone … she said it all… this cannot consume me and I should remember what I have been given to offer. His offering. this, from my friend – who has bravely fought the cancerous beast and not allowed it to consume her. I felt small in the conversation – like I should have never complained to her at all.
this reality of life on earth. longing so much for the High Country. when will it come? soon I hope.
the new reality
…… is unbearable. every thing feels like a mistake in my little insignificant life. i really want to run and hide.
To be undone
First week back at the job of teaching. But this week has been horrific in the classroom. How does one teach and instruct students that have never been held accountable for their actions? For students that have been enabled by lying and thieving in word and deed? This past week showed me the work of the evil one in my classroom – to take students that I have helped, counseled with, prayed for, expected more of than they thought possible within themselves – and turned them into someone I do not know. That they would lie about what has been said in front of others, lie about how they are treated, that they do not admit their choices and accept the consequences of their actions. It has been amazing to see it all unfold. How parents come the ‘rescue’ of their child that is being treated ‘unfairly’. They do not see how their child behaves, hear what they say under their breathe loud enough for all to hear, or how they treat other peers and students. Someone said they are the meanest of mean girls, the bullies in make up and high heels. How true.
I feel sorry for the students and the parents. Neither will admit the mistakes they have made in giving them everything they want, allowing the student to rule the home, and enabling them to do wrong. I also feel for the other students in the class that have been witness to the actions of their peers. To see the self centeredness, to hear the hate spewing from their mouths. It has been a lesson for all of us within the four walls.
So I continue to work ‘at it’. To choose to see the good within the four walls, but I wonder what He is doing sometimes. What am I to learn from this? Where did I go wrong? Did I care too much, give too much, try to hold them responsible too much? Should I become one of the horrible teachers we all see that arrive at 8 and leave at 3, who do not assist their students with anything despite that they are the teacher? That is not the answer, but if every year is like this in the 2nd semester, I will not stay long. I will continue to plug away at this life, longing for what lies ahead – the High Country as Lewis says.
January 1, 2012
Star Wars is on ~ great way to begin the New Year. “I got a bad feeling about this” “Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way.”
and this year brings 366 days to wonder about, to be thankful for, to consider each day the goodness of Jesus, to know I am His Beloved.
the world is changing and we believers in Christ must be faithful. it is not about being clever, or popular, or the best dressed but about knowing Christ is with us.
I went to the Abbey of the Genesee last week. Three days with the monks and smelling divine bread being baked. Quiet. no phone, no television, no radio, no expectations. And in Bethany house and the Abbey chapel the Holy Spirit revealed what I need to work on in me through Him. Watching the monks, listening to the cadence of the Psalms being sung, hearing the homilies with Mass.
I reconsidered friendship in 2011, basically knowing I would lose friends or the friendship would change. I did not meet fit their box and so they let go. At first I wanted to ask if they could see what they were doing…. but I did not in the end. It would be futile and they would still think me wrong or selfish or whatever.
I attempted to speak to my mother in 2011. She has not spoken to me in 4 years. I set up a meeting with her at her church with her minister as the 3rd party. It ended as I expected and my mother still acts like a 16 year old married to an alcoholic. It is strange that she should choose to live her life this way, but as in all codependent relationships she does not see it and I can do nothing about it. The rift she believes that happened will always be my fault and I am strong enough to know it is not my responsibility, but her life choice that has done this.
In 2011 I accepted that life lessons are to teach me dependence on God my Father. The most difficult one being bankruptcy. I feel like a total failure sometimes but must keep in mind that this was for a purpose, not just for Sam but for me too. It should have been done 25 years ago, but because of pride was done last year.
In 2011 I began graduate school for a Master’s in Nursing. I still am not sure if that was the best decision. It is the most difficult thing I have done other than therapy for PTSD and depression. The workload is time consuming and life sucking…. and I love the learning. I am hopeful the Lord will bless my effort in it and take me where I can serve the Kingdom best.
I do not make resolutions at the New Year. I am hoping this year will be better because of what I know to be true ~ a life in Christ.
reality of our life here
I am blessed far beyond so many others. I must remind myself this continuously. Because if I don’t… I feel like life is unfair. It is Christmas. I want to give all that I can to everyone I know. To Gabi in Uganda clothes for her girls, food, medicines, books – money for a home, an oven, electricity. I want to give my children what they need as well as a few things they would like. To not worry about anything. But these times are not about surplus, but about provision of basic necessities… and learning as my grandparents learned about going without less. It isn’t that we are extravagant but because of bankruptcy and bills and essential costs rising there is less and less.
I wonder what do the people do that have less than we do? How do things get paid? How do you decide what to go without? Is this about the moral values of our leaders? the bankruptcy of the government in Spirit, not economy? and how do some people justify the excesses they need?
I wonder if I am doing the right thing with grad school? I got a C in one of my classes and cannot get another one. I got ‘the letter’ today that said if I get another one I have to retake classes. I question if I am intelligent enough or if I can handle the work load for school plus working.
I wonder.
to be satisfied
oh this life. it drags, it whines.
i cannot control anything in it and i am angry. and sad. and tired.
i want to run away. i want a divorce. i want to be alone. i want to be selfish.
i want to crawl under the sheets and never come out. screw the toilet. screw food.
i read other blogs and the women are perfect – they do it all, don’t complain, don’t screw up.
i spent a whole day this week saying in my mind ‘Thank you Lord’, no matter what happened.
it didn’t work. i know… i know in my heart and in my mind. BUT the pressure is incredible.
the bills, the grad school papers, the hours at work, the laundry, the bills, the lack of time to read Scripture, the hours and hours and hours of doing.
i want to be out of here. off the planet. and no more stress. no more pressure. no more of people. people are the most frustrating of all.
and i am the worst of them.
absolutely perfect fall day
it is here… today … in little ohio…. the sun is gloriously shining, the temperature is perfect, and the leaves are orange/red/yellow/gold and falling lightly.
my stove is on the self clean mode, the dishwasher is running, my youngest is still sleeping because of a busy stressful week, i got a date last night with my Sam up in Peninsula Ohio, and my other two children seem to be calm and doing okay. I have a home, food, love, life, health, the Lord, and i am blessed.
there is work to do for my students, work for grad school, laundry, bills, cleaning, but right now ~ at this moment ~ the view from my kitchen table out to my garden is amazing and i am so very grateful for the love of my Lord.
i am praying your day is a reminder to you of what the Lord has done. may you be blessed by your view.
