life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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the holidays and reflections

it is 2022. half way through January. life moves on.
no matter what is happening or not happening.
life on earth. this life.
i spent a good deal of time on my own in my short time off.
i miss my three small children here. or my three teenaged children.
the holidays are not the same. and that is life.
i don’t mean to be depressing, or sad, but it is this life on earth that is not mine.
i cry for what has gone by and i did not appreciate it at the time.
i miss my grandmothers so very much. more than i knew. more than i thought possible.
i try to listen for what God is teaching me in this time. because we do not know the days we have.
so keep trying to be like Christ to a world that is hurting so very much it hurts others.
stay strong in your faith because we are never ever alone. ever.
right now in this moment of time i have too many people fighting for their physical life: cancer, cancer, cancer. oh how i hate cancer.
so keep at it dear ones. keep reading Scripture. keep looking out for what God is doing around you.
remember you are not alone.

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i know i sound depressing

but i have had a migraine for two days.
and there has been no let up in the stress in my life. or the pressure.
or the expectation in the day to day.
i have a pile of work to do that i brought home from the office.
i have cookies to bake. and presents to wrap.
and more expectations from people.
but all i want to do is say i am really sorry but i can’t do that.
because i need these two weeks to do nothing.
absolutely nothing. to hibernate.
away from people and crowds and the virus and whatever else is out there.
yet that isn’t going to happen because of expectations.
so i wrestle with expectations and stress right now.
what are you dealing with right now?

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the journey of days

how many days to the end of life? your life? my life?
morbid? not really. as a former hospice nurse i have seen all types of death.
because as humans we will die a physical death.
at the holidays i observed some of the worst deaths. and some of the best.
i pray i die well. to be at peace with the Saviour of my soul.
to know i did my best on this planet that is not really my home.
that the regrets i have will be forgiven by those left behind.
and that whom ever knew me saw Jesus in me.
that i loved each person well despite what they believed about God or thought of me.
yesterday was Thanksgiving here in America.
but each day is thanksgiving. for so many things i cannot list them all. BUT….
today. i woke up. i have a spouse of 42 years that has loved me most well.
i have saving Grace and Mercy since i was 16. and despite my stupidity, God loves me more than i know.
i have food, a home, three children and a son-in-law that loves my eldest daughter.
my garden feeds my home and family and friends.
i am without nothing. nothing. i have Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, Freedom to go anywhere.
and so i am grateful and thankful each day.
there is soup simmering for church for tomorrow.
the music of Christmas that i love so well is playing.
i cry for the past that has come and gone – the memories that flood my heart bring the tears. such joy.
but today is present. and i hope you are well.
blessings on your day. and the holidays that might have joy or grief.
and no matter how many days any of us have left, we use them well.

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not what i expected

at all. work. world. pandemic. culture shifts. international unknowns.
what has happened?
well. first5 is in Habakkuk. and they have the same things going on.
idolatry. murderous nations. deception. humiliation. pure evil.
But God.
read that again.
But God.
things in my day-to-day aren’t that great right now.
deception. humiliation. deceitfulness. rampant idolatry of self.
But God.
God asks me to obey because His ways are best for me.
God is with me each day and He will be with me tomorrow through any struggle I face.
these are two themes this week in the Habukkuk study.
and i am leaning hard into this. reading each word each day.
writing in my Bible what it means for me.
this week was the reminder of His splendour and majestic presence.
i have confidence in His deliverance for me.
i might be frightened by my present circumstances, but He abides with me.
and He is in control, He loves me and cares for me.
so this may not end well for all involved. because there are always consequences for our choices.
but He is there. i am not alone in this.
and i will depend on Christ. on His guidance. His Holy Spirit in me.
But God.

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dare we discuss it?

what we really think or feel or are experiencing in life or what is happening to people around us?
culture. politics. jobs. families. viruses. murder. stress on top of stress. ethnicity. gender.
and we are tired.
all of us.
i am.
exhausted. totally fried.
every day dealing with people and pressures and expectations and personal attacks.
stressed beyond stressed.
and there seems to be no end to this. none.
i am rereading A Wrinkle in Time. love this book.
about good versus evil. light versus darkness. having the sense to stop and listen and wait.
what ever is going on it is about our reaction to it all.
i have to kick myself when i get in to the ‘OMG what are they doing to me?!” mode.
because each human being is made in God’s image ~ that image of the Holy Trinity.
and each of us is dealing with so very much.
so step back. stop. and breathe.
and remind yourself that as a believer in Jesus Christ we have His power and His Spirit to fill us, enfold us, protect us.

but just so you know ~ every once in a while i do scream into my pillow or sit on the toilet and have a good cry.

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failing at life

we are, aren’t we?
tired. depressed. angry. working too many hours.
with no end in sight.
wondering what has happened to people.
to the world. to the planet.
too much mistrust and dishonesty.
so much about me, me, me.
i want to run and hide and leave this place.
full of hate anger despair death
much like what happened in the Garden of Eden
when eyes were opened to the travesty of humanity without God.
how then shall we live ~ as Francis Schaeffer once asked.
how shall we live in this time of turbulent trouble of soul & heart & mind?
we live like Christ – no matter what is going on around us.
to give love and mercy and compassion.
to never tire or give in to the weariness of the battle.
remembering justice, mercy, humility and how Christ gave it all.
walk with me into the unknown.
into knowing we belong to the King of the Unseen Kingdom of Salvation.
this Earth is not forever – the Maker of our Hearts calls us to something more in Him.
blessings on your Sabbath!

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identity and purpose

who am I? really, who am I? on the inside? on the outside? do they match?
these thoughts lately have been ruminating in my head.
yesterday was National Unplug Day. I am considering a month again.
because i think i am too plugged. and not just to the devices. but to people as well.
i once went through therapy and learned of my need for people.
why are am i friends with some. what do they do for me that isn’t emotionally healthy?
how much of me is spent on them? in time and thought. like a device.
IF gathering started last night. how much of me is Scripture fed? how much?
not enough. absolutely not enough.
and i make excuses.
it is the same with food. and the stationary bike. and walking.
but my relationship with my Lord. He is my Air. my Food.
my reason for work life marriage family garden more or less living.
there is no life without Him.
and this is earth. i live on Earth. but my identity is a Daughter of God.
and He lives in the Heavenlies. so i will live there. only by His Grace His Mercy for me.
more later. the sun is shining. and i am drinking a Vanilla Coke which i have not had in forever.
oh earth.. you do have some wonderful things.

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oh the promise of a blizzard!

… only because i am praying for one!!!
what? pray for a blizzard? oh yessssss.
i survived the blizzard of 1978 when most of you were twinkles.
and now i do want another one.
to stay home for five whole days. to hunker down in blankets with my love.
to bake breads and cookies and breathe in home. home. my home.
to tend to other things rather than work.
so every year now i ask Jesus for a blizzard. and every year He says no.
maybe He is planning one and teaching me patience.
this may take a while then.
but if i get one!!! oh Jesus!!!
i can read and write and paint and sew and crochet and maybe ~
just sit on the couch in the quiet and wait. and listen.
because snow makes noise. a beautiful soft crunchy noise.
or to go out in the garden and breathe in the cold and smell winter.
so. if you feel up to it, ask Jesus for a blizzard for me.
i know He has many other more important things to do.
but if my purpose is to be Holy i would like to be Holy in a blizzard.

there is so much more to say. so much about my little world.
but in the end it is all about people. and relationships.
work. family. friends. true friends in Christ.
culture, noise, politics, choices, money, food, air, water.
who will i care for? who can i help?
how much of myself will i give?
will i compromise my faith for culture? for political correctness?
will i abandon what i believe in to be accepted?
the numerous thoughts in my head that i don’t get on paper.
the 2am thoughts of my children. my faults.
my “if onlys”.
so …. maybe some day i will put them all here.
but not today.
today there is a roast in the oven cooking in cognac and red wine with garlic & leeks & carrots & onions & celery & butter & olive oil.
and there will be red mashed potatoes. and maybe a salad.
and there will be quiet.
blessings on your Shabbot. may you know the peace and joy of Christ in your hearts.

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i bought my ticket before i knew what was going to happen at work.
so yesterday when I was supposed to be off but I was working and didn’t get it all done i was wrestling as to whether i should go today or not.
did i multitask? you bet i did.
while I was taking notes and being convicted to my core
i canned another 14 jars of tomato paste and watered the side flower beds and cooked a 1/2 bushel of tomatoes and then canned 7 pints of pasta sauce. there are more tomatoes to cook and pasta sauce and pizza sauce to can.
but i didn’t get my work work done. and i might pay for that.
but tonight i am hot and tired and weary. and i have been fed in my spirit.
Can we persevere well?
that was the question to start the day. oh my.
and then the day kept going with worship and the Word and so many notes.
and there sat my work. and guess what.
i am okay with that.
because today i heard many things that my Saviour speaks of:
my trust needs to be in the Lord
my confidence is the Lord
my portion is secure in Christ
my lot is secure in Christ
humility is my superpower
this is a goodhard life
in Christ i can walk through the tension of affliction
keep face to face with Christ and wrestle through
the gift of joy we receive is to give it back to Him in praise and gratitude
my ultimate allegiance is to Christ alone
do not lead from wounding but lead from healing
abide in Christ and allow the Shepherd to hold me in His arms
submission is how i make God’s glory my priority
in Spirit and in Truth ask for insight into His Word

so thank you Jennie Allen, Dr. Anita Phillips, Katherine Wolfe, Shelly Giglio, Chrystal Evans Hurst, Beth Moore, Angie Smith, Eugene Cho, John Mark Comer, Ann Voskamp, Jada Edwards and Christine Caine.
thank you iFLead2020.

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August 1st.

and life here is still complicated
Racial Unrest
Political ideals in an uproar.
America is broken
with that is the turmoil of relationships
people that give in to the whim of others
people with no consideration for others
people that have forgotten their purpose
what has happened to the soul of humanity
to the work that Jesus began
that we love others and care for others no matter what
that in the end did I love?
did I look at you like I was looking at Jesus?
in the end it doesn’t matter, does it?
it doesn’t matter
this earth has a short life and God will what to know ~
did you love others?