life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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current struggles

this is not your 2021 post. i don’t do those.
this is the current What i am dealing with in my mind post.
it will be raw. it will be real. and it is me.
this life. on Planet Earth.
the struggle of living between the already and the not yet.
to know that my heart belongs to my Saviour but my mind fights this allegiance.
reaching, grasping for explanation to events that have recently occurred.
to understand the behaviours of people that are supposed to care because they are ‘family’
trying to decipher what is it that my Lord wants me to do.
like do i really have to be nice to everyone? even when i am trampled on?
i scroll thru IG and everyone still appears perfect even in their ‘not perfect’ pics.
i see love and caring and giving and something that i cannot give a word to.
our conversations in the past have been do we expect too much from other people?
or we ask do we give too much to others, so much so, that the disappointment of relationships leaves a cavity in our lives?
am i expecting others to replace the One that fills my heart?
i have been through this before. it took two years of therapy and antidepressants to understand that my need of people is not truly a need.
and yet, here i am again. wanting to run away. to hide from work, family, friends, life in general.
why. why must i be the responsible adult? why do i hold myself accountable for everything?
every. little. thing.
is this dark cloud in my mind a result of the 2020 Pandemic that is holding all of us hostage?
why does the past creep into my brain and force me to relive events that aren’t worth reliving?
i am grateful that my children are grown, because then my energy is not spent at the end of the day with nothing left for them.
i am grateful for working remotely, because then i do not have to fake what i might truly want to say to my colleagues.
i would rather the narrative of my life not be intertwined in others, but just Him.
and yet, that is not my calling as a Follower of Jesus.
so in the end i fail Him as well.
and in the failing there is my Chief Shepherd looking for me. the one that is lost.
right now i am a little lost. but i know He is with me.

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words are not enough.

for the emotions and the thoughts and the wonderings in my brain.
and i cannot think about it too much. or i want to weep.
this life i live in this house. this country. this planet.
it doesn’t matter what i think. and i am okay with that.
it is Fall and Ohio has been showing off this season.
and i just want to stay home. to sew and bake and crochet and write.
and read. and study what i want to study. and just sit and be quiet.
but there are other plans in mind for each day.
so my issues are trust and faith.
can i give it all to Jesus? every minute of every day.
with all of it. the deep wounds.
the heart aches. the things in my brain.
to let it go. and just love.
no matter what. love.

there is bone broth in the instant pot. and the applesauce is canned.
and laundry is done. bills are paid. ironed.
the garden is cleaned out and mulched. garlic is popping up and needs more mulch.
life. day to day. chores. job. sacrifice.

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there are no words

so when there are no words there is silence.
of my heart. of my mind. of my soul.
i cling to His Word.
that i am not alone, that Christ is sitting with me.
there are no words.
for what my mind, in its deepest recesses knew was brought to light.
and i wept. for what was. for what could have been.
and i ask why? and i ask how?
and then. there is silence.
so that i may know God my Father, and King Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are standing here with me in my sorrow and my pain.
so much. that i will not carry this.
it belongs at the Cross of my salvation.
at the Resurrected feet of my King Jesus.
and i will wait.

there are no words.
only His.
Matthew 8:2,3 & 17:20 KJV
If I may but touch His garment, I shall be whole. Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. I will; be thou clean. Faith as a grain of mustard seed.

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Greek Orthodox Easter

He is Risen!!
and He is caring for us in ways we never thought possible.
and I am sure there are many that wonder how?
how is this His care when we are at home, without work, no food. sick. potentially dying.
but He is.
because this fall i am sure i will be losing one-quarter to one half of my income and potentially my job. and my spouse is losing income and maybe his job. this fall it will be harder… not just right now, but in several months.
there is no guarantee in this life. none. and at my age and with my life i understand that this earth isn’t the end of my life.
i have a better home with Jesus in Heaven.
so. i trust Him each day. to wake me up. to get me going. to allow me to breathe in air and work and talk and live life in His purposes.
it isn’t about stuff…. life is about relationships on Earth and in Heaven.
people. family. friends. coworkers.
we may not be able to hug each other and we might have to stay 6 feet apart. but to see them in person and not on their computer… oh my.
so be safe. wear your mask. wash your hands.
and know that God is in the midst of all of this ~ teaching us to truly depend on Him and Him alone for everything.

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St. Patrick’s day

my maiden name is Love.
as in the County Cork Ireland Loves.
i have pictures of family from the late 1800’s.
they don’t smile. they are stoic. they are poor.
and they came to America because of the potato famine.
i wonder did they believe in Christ like St. Patrick?
his faith. his prayers. his foundation in Jesus Christ.
the revolution of St. Patrick and the church.
the Three in One and the One in Three.
have you looked closely at his prayer?
there are several versions of it out there.
but to think of one man spreading Christianity in Ireland.
thank you St. Patrick for your faith.
one of these days i will get to the Emerald Isle and breathe in Ireland.

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about life. about summer. about weather. and the garden. and the crops.
how does a farmer do it? complete trust in what God provides.
we are 6 weeks behind here on crops. my garden looks good despite the cold temps we have had here.
and the rain continues. while other places are dry, we are soggy wet.

life moves on. in rhythmical 24 hours sun and moon seasons of life.
but to continue in grief. and pain. and sorrow.
to help a young woman in her last days. to bear pain and yet live each day, each hour. and to go home.

work. how does one talk about work? i need my job. i can’t do my job. pretty sure even if i lived at my office i wouldn’t be able to get the work done. and that bothers me. Servant Leadership. the theme keeps repeating in my reading, my conversations, my thoughts. why is it that those at the top do not get it? micromanaging doesn’t work. ever.

and children. oh the Lord does not tell you what it is about having children. you think they need you more when they are small and innocent and learning. not true. they need you more when they are 13 and 25 and 32 and on. and it breaks your heart still. because of Love.

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Memorial Day, USA

small town. Memorial Day parade 2019.
the old men in their uniforms that ride in the cars decorated with flags.
the middle aged men in their uniforms that walk in front with flags.
the young ones in bands & scout troops & families.
We will not forget.
Freedom is not Free.
We do not see the scars on their bodies or in their hearts.
Men & women they fought with that did not return.
The Most Eternal Sacrifice.
for me. for you. for this great land of the United States of America.
they were young and had so much to live for. so they gave twice in their giving.
once for the life they lived and second for the future they lost.
for me.
so that I can pray and worship anytime anywhere.
so that I can walk into an election booth and vote without fear.
so that I can speak my mind in public knowing their is no retribution for my speech.
so that I can read anything I like in print or word.
Freedom. much like my Lord. I cannot touch it, smell it, taste it ~ but once it is taken I can see what has been lost.
I will never Forget the Sacrifice of others for this Freedom of mine.

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just breathe.

in. out. life. joy. sadness. pain. anger. despair. frustration. and life.
real life. the looking in to the mirror and being gut wrenching honest.
about faith. family. friends. values. truths.
every day waking up and facing the honest to God truth.
what will i do about __________? (you fill in the blank)
but can you do anything about whatever it is you filled in?
no. no we cannot.
really – be honest. you cannot.
but YOU. ME. that is what we deal with. every minute. every hour. every day. every year.
will i get more? another hour? another day? another year? another holiday? will it come? will i have another one?
just breathe.
do you have plans? did you make your list? do you have goals?
oh yes…. work goals. reading goals. work out goals. garden goals.
tons of goals. Marie Kondo would be proud of my list.
but really, in the end – will it matter?
why do i keep breathing?
because of what there is to offer to others. from your heart. your soul.
from what you know of life.
and because there is something greater than life on earth.
so consider God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
because you are more than goals and tears and the struggles you face each day. so much more.
He breathed into you Life and created only ONE of you.
you matter like no other.
so keep breathing.

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1st day of Spring

Tomorrow. First day of Spring. But here in north central Ohio there is snow in the forecast. Typical. So I will wait and hope and know that the warm days are coming. My garden will wait. The clematis will get trimmed. The elderberries will get planted. The asparagus will be back with the rhubarb.
in the mean time there is Easter. the day that Jesus is Risen!! and my sin that put Him on the cross is forgiven. I am struggling with work right now and with people. The evil one is traipsing through my building reeking havoc but I am praying fervently. My Jesus is in control.
and the church… what to do about the church? or the people in the church? that do not understand church is for all of us and if we don’t spread the Word ~ leaving the 99 behind and going after the 1 or the 100, there will be no church. It isn’t about money or stuff or the building it is about the saving grace of Jesus.
so, we pray and wait. not patiently, but we wait. at my job, at my church, at home.

go see this.. it’s Friday, but Sunday’s coming.