brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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today is yesterday. & Jesus really is there.

obviously i did not get back on after the post on July 10th. so today is the post for the 11th. 🙂
i was supposed to be off last week. like vacation. but that didn’t happen.
and i kind of was off. no work phone, no one interrupting my office work time.
i did go to several important quarterly meetings. and answered emails.
email. the bane of my job. holy cow. why do people email you the dumbest stuff?
watched the Tour de France everyday and am dying at what is going on. OMG.
thursday was absolutely CRAZY. between the mountains and the chasing it was NUTS.
worked in the gardens and beds. weeded. picked beans and yellow small tomatoes.
waiting on yellow squash… rather impatiently.
did the jaysgarden thing in one of my flower beds. cleared some items, laid layers of cardboard.
laid a layer of my black gold compost. laid vermiculite and soil, then added flower seeds.
and the seeds have sprouted!!! I am so excited about this.
i will now always use her way of creating beds, filling beds and then planting or seeding the bed.
she is the bomb of a gardener and shares her tips and tricks.
you can follow her on IG as well. highly highly recommended.
other things.
cincinnati with Beth Moore. you don’t know her?
well, if you are looking for Biblically sound, Scripturally based studies of the Word of God – find her.
she is on IG and Twitter. she is NOT on facebook for very very good reasons. look it up.
love love love her teaching. love her ability to give it to me straight – like she is reading my soul.
and this weekend was no exception. my storehouse. from my heart.
the BIG question: what is in my storehouse? am i filling it from the Lord’s heart???
oh holy conviction. slain. totally. and the worship. THE WORSHIP OF JESUS.
add in craziness with a sister in Christ – fabulous food (pic is from @funnelcakeisland) , great shopping adventures, midnight trains.
the willingness to journey anywhere, to not be afraid to try the new things, go where ever with me & i with her.
and getting locked out of our Airbnb house. OMG… what a freaking night.
short story. got done with the conference on Friday at 930. our house was 4 minutes from the church.
i am getting my stuff out of the car, she heads to the porch to unlock the keypad.
i get to the door. she says I locked the door. i say i thought you put the code in?
she says No i locked the regular door handle WHICH WE DON’T HAVE A KEY FOR.
she panics. full blown OMG we can’t get in the house. and it is dark. and a strange place.
so… we both start on our phones. i message the host. (that is another story).
i call the help center for Airbnb. (their special services did not call me back until almost 24 hours later).
in the end i said, ok, let’s give it 20 more minutes, go sit in the car and wait. she agreed.
we get in the car. she is still going a little nuts. i said give me your hand.
and i prayed. OK God – you know what is going on. You know we need to get in the house.
so whatever lesson we need to learn -teach us NOW. help us to be calm, help us to depend only on YOU God. thank you for this weekend. thank you for taking care of us no matter what. in Jesus, amen.
and right then the host messaged me and we got the hidden door key and got in.
so… what lesson did we need to learn?
she said she learned she is NOT in charge of ANYTHING.
i learned again that God takes care of my EVERY NEED. no matter what no matter when.
Jesus is there ALL THE TIME, EVERY TIME.
YOU can depend on HIM.
and it was FABULOUS to learn the same lesson over again for us both.
blessings dear ones. be safe. stay well. Trust in God – you cannot go wrong with the Trinity.


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crazy thoughts this past week

i want to win the lottery and run away. of course, you have to buy a ticket to win!
how do those guys in the Tour de France eat enough to cycle every day?
what is it about chimpmunks and digging holes in my garden? i mean really.
how does a tomato plant know that it needs more calcium?
what does a dog dream about?
as people age does everyone become cranky and rude???
why can’t we have Thor come save the Ukraine?
the mystery of the death of death in the Risen Christ – OMG.
why can’t my brain be like a computer and pull up the files when i need them?
that is it for now. more tomorrow!!!!!


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words that give

much to think about from yesterday’s sermon.
words. the ones you speak. or write. or think.
words are so very very important.
think of the last 30 days.
what words have we heard? used? written?
i know the strength of words spoken and written.
as well as the unwritten and unspoken.
choose carefully the words you use.
i wait to speak in any conversation.
i will write, then read, then rewrite what needs written.
because words provide hope, strength, life.
or they cut like a sword. to crush, kill, destroy.
what words do you speak or write or think?
i go back to the Psalms and Proverbs for words.
or the words of Jesus. truth in love.
mercy and grace while revealing error.
let me be like that.


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get away

everyone needs to get away. and i mean truly get away. from phone. tv. work. family. spouse. kids.
whatever you need to get away from.
find that place. and GO.
this weekend i did that. it has been planned for months.
with my bestie. she is my boss. but more than that. she is a kindred spirit.
a soul that knows my soul. we could have been raised in the same family. same parents.
only i am ten years older.
but we have a shared experience in the alcoholic father and the codependent mother.
in seeing what needed to be done in a completely dysfunctional family and doing it.
i worked the hospital floor years ago with her. late shifts. not enough help. learning as we worked.
and then we lost each other for a while as our careers took a different path.
but then we reconnected. and Jesus has been in the details since then.
we fight the evil one at work and on our knees for our family, our children, our jobs.

so this weekend we escaped to Westfield New York.
i got the airbnb. didn’t know anything about the town. just that our place was 2 blocks to the beach.
and holy cow.
what a quaint cute little town. great food. wonderful Saturday morning market with Amish donuts and Lake glass earrings and not packed at all.
and rest. we rested our brains even though we didn’t stop talking.
spent three hours on the beach in the morning. the lake was cold but refreshing.
burned the tops of my feet per usual.
we ate bad food. went to a winery and tried the wines. then bought the wines.
took naps. slept in. read magazines. colored. laughed and laughed and laughed.
solved the world’s problems.
and now i am ready for the world of work and life.
because in the end we both know that neither one of is in charge.
and we can agree to disagree at work but that will never ever ever break the bond of the kinship we have.


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reactions

there are times to wait and listen.
then there are times to wait and speak out.
the hardest decision is which one to do.
words are harmful and sharp.
cutting to the core.
endangering the heart.
choices are made from one person that affect everyone.
pretty sure i need to learn to keep my mouth shut.


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current struggles

this is not your 2021 post. i don’t do those.
this is the current What i am dealing with in my mind post.
it will be raw. it will be real. and it is me.
this life. on Planet Earth.
the struggle of living between the already and the not yet.
to know that my heart belongs to my Saviour but my mind fights this allegiance.
reaching, grasping for explanation to events that have recently occurred.
to understand the behaviours of people that are supposed to care because they are ‘family’
trying to decipher what is it that my Lord wants me to do.
like do i really have to be nice to everyone? even when i am trampled on?
i scroll thru IG and everyone still appears perfect even in their ‘not perfect’ pics.
i see love and caring and giving and something that i cannot give a word to.
our conversations in the past have been do we expect too much from other people?
or we ask do we give too much to others, so much so, that the disappointment of relationships leaves a cavity in our lives?
am i expecting others to replace the One that fills my heart?
i have been through this before. it took two years of therapy and antidepressants to understand that my need of people is not truly a need.
and yet, here i am again. wanting to run away. to hide from work, family, friends, life in general.
why. why must i be the responsible adult? why do i hold myself accountable for everything?
every. little. thing.
is this dark cloud in my mind a result of the 2020 Pandemic that is holding all of us hostage?
why does the past creep into my brain and force me to relive events that aren’t worth reliving?
i am grateful that my children are grown, because then my energy is not spent at the end of the day with nothing left for them.
i am grateful for working remotely, because then i do not have to fake what i might truly want to say to my colleagues.
i would rather the narrative of my life not be intertwined in others, but just Him.
and yet, that is not my calling as a Follower of Jesus.
so in the end i fail Him as well.
and in the failing there is my Chief Shepherd looking for me. the one that is lost.
right now i am a little lost. but i know He is with me.


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going into December & 2021

it is interesting.
perspective. glass half empty or half full?
2020. what a challenging year.
no one. not one person on the planet could have seen this coming.
upheaval in politics, religion, culture and socioeconomics and just life.
how do we recover? will we recover?
2021 seems that the pandemic will still be with us.
and who knows what Flu A and Flu B and RSV will do on top of COVID19?
so what will we do? what will you do?
will 2021 be a challenge? a headache?
or will it be an opportunity? a learning experience?
that no matter what happens in 2021 will you pick yourself up and move forward?
opportunities will abound in December and 2021.
kindness. gentleness. generosity. blessings. grace. mercy.
love with no expectations.
to be Jesus to others.
we each have a great responsibility if we are Christ Followers.
that no matter the circumstances we are given Joy and Peace and Hope.
to share it with others.
and if you haven’t heard it you should be listening to A Drummer Boy Christmas by For King and Country.
because even though Thanksgiving is this week, there might be Christmas songs playing and some decorations out already.
because HOPE is born in December. and 2021 is His opportunity in me.
Blessings.


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words are not enough.

for the emotions and the thoughts and the wonderings in my brain.
and i cannot think about it too much. or i want to weep.
this life i live in this house. this country. this planet.
it doesn’t matter what i think. and i am okay with that.
it is Fall and Ohio has been showing off this season.
and i just want to stay home. to sew and bake and crochet and write.
and read. and study what i want to study. and just sit and be quiet.
but there are other plans in mind for each day.
so my issues are trust and faith.
can i give it all to Jesus? every minute of every day.
with all of it. the deep wounds.
the heart aches. the things in my brain.
to let it go. and just love.
no matter what. love.

there is bone broth in the instant pot. and the applesauce is canned.
and laundry is done. bills are paid. ironed.
the garden is cleaned out and mulched. garlic is popping up and needs more mulch.
life. day to day. chores. job. sacrifice.


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Fallish

it is a perfect weekend. warm. the colours are turning on the trees.
the moon is amazing every night shining through my skylight
and God is on the Throne of Heaven.
every day He watches and waits on me. to come to Him.
to call to HIm. to lean on only HIm.
and i fail every day. OMG… if you knew what was in my head.
which means my heart needs some serious work.
and today i was reminded by my wise sister that even in old age He cares so much for us that no matter what we thought our life would be like He loves us so much that He will change us in our circumstances to be more like Him.
and so my ‘what I thought would be may not be’ and He already knew that.
and in that He will wait on me to listen to Him alone.
in her tears she admitted to what she thought this stage of her life would be like but it isn’t. and like Much Afraid, she is learning about His love for her over and over again. so i too, must learn at this stage of my life.
and wait. and listen. and lean on Christ.
what are you waiting on? what are you trying to control?
what will you have to give up to journey with the King of Heaven?


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labor day

really? already? YES.
here in America it is about the Labor Movement in the late 19th century.
but today ~ the Labor movement is nothing like it was back then.
then it was child labor, slave labor, female labor, uneducated labor.
in horrific work conditions for absolutely as little pay as possible.
today. it is union labor protecting numerous people who are deceitful, who cheat their employer, who defend the worker that doesn’t really work. it is about complaining, and whining, and asking for more more more. it is not about team, it is about me me me.
and in the end they hurt all around them including themselves.
but yet, they will still complain about the Man done them wrong or Administration done them wrong. they take no responsibility for their action or lack of action. they blame everyone around them.
my last two jobs i have had to deal with a union. it isn’t pretty.
but for me Labor day is not about this.
it is about a change in the cycle of the year. God saying He is still in charge.
a cooler temperature. a slower pace.
it used to be about school and new shoes, new clothes, pens pencils notebooks crayons glue and a new backpack if needed.
it meant the return of a predictable schedule in the home.
sports practices. music lessons. shorter days. longer nights.
i am a fall/winter/ early spring person. i am not a summer person.
getting everything from the garden canned and frozen.
cleaning the garden out. prepping for the winter. with mulch and compost and straw.
wondering how cold will it get this year? praying for blizzard to be able to stay at home and hunker down with my husband.
and read. and sew. and write. and nap. and bake. and pray.
Labor day is every day. i labor every day for the Kingdom of Jesus.
i don’t need a union. i have a Master. of my heart and soul.
and this earth is not permanent for me.
i can hardly wait to labor the Lord in heaven.
i want to work in His Kitchen and in His Gardens…. oh my heart.