life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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it is mid-summer already. I look forward to Fall.
so far this summer has been about learning lessons about myself. I realize that is a daily thing, to learn about myself. but 60 is a big number. and now I am that age.
my first thought about this is, how did this happen? when did I become the Grown Up? what is being the Grown Up? life, big LIFE isn’t like television or books or the daily drama that 13 year olds thrive on. REAL LIFE is about sorrow & happiness & failure & success & giving & putting myself aside for others. REAL LIFE is figuring out the world doesn’t revolve around me – EVER. there is no cure for cancer. there is no cure for selfishness either. give me cancer, don’t give me selfishness.
oh this LIFE. on a small planet that spins around a really big super hot ball. it has my garden on it – with peppers, tomatoes, snow peas, lettuces, brussell sprouts, herbs, rhubarb, asparagus,  and alot of marigolds. I love marigolds. and lightening bugs.
60. my father didn’t make it to 60. he made it to 43. and I didn’t get to be an ADULT with him.  have you seen the commercial for a car that uses a Simon & Garfunkel song? and the grandma has the grandpa’s ashes and sees the country with her family because that is what he wanted. I love that commercial. it is hope lost, relationships, family, LIFE.
pretty sure I think too much. blessings!!!


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life and its questions

i am deactivating facebook for Lent. it is a good thing. i get depressed when i get on social media sometimes. the weddings, the grandbabies, the vacations, the new furniture. i am better off not knowing how perfectly perfect everyone’s life seems to be. because mine isn’t. never has been, never will be. my reality is mine and it is relatively imperfect. that is not a bad thing either. because without the imperfection of my life, i would not have seen Jesus in each moment.
so, i ask questions of God my Father… and i wait for the answer. but i know the answer most of the time. it is because He is good, all knowing, and wise. His heart is set on the best of intentions for me. living on this side of Heaven, i ponder how to live each day one at a time. some days i am better at it than others.

Joshua 23: 14
know this with all your heart, with everything in you, that not one detail has failed of all the good things God has promised you it has all happened, nothing left undone not so much as a word.    The Message

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one word

so, church did the one word thing this year and i had a word. BUT, in the last two weeks there has been ONE word that keeps repeating itself. on the radio, the television, things i am reading. Priorities.
so now i question if i have my priorities in line with God. and today it is really hard because of the blue sky, the wispy white clouds, the breeze and all the green color!!!

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how does one write about this?

I spent the day with a person from our community that has just been diagnosed with a stage IV glioblastoma. She is not allowed to be alone during the day. She will begin chemotherapy in several weeks.
because I was there this  morning I was privy to a conversation between her and one of her daughters.  I sat there crocheting, trying to not listen to the intimate conversation between a woman facing a death and her daughter trying to be strong.  there was discussion about what the daughter wanted her mother to do to preserve her thoughts for the children, what did the mother really want to do with the children (all grown) before getting sicker.
and when I glanced up and looked at the daughter looking at her mother with the expression that she didn’t want to leave knowing this might be the last good day i felt like i invaded that moment.  the daughter’s daily responsibilities pulling at her brain and her mother’s condition pulling at her heart.
all I can say is i want to be that strong as the mom.  as a former hospice nurse i would witness these moments but the client was actively dying… maybe weeks to live. this woman has just been diagnosed and is facing the facts knowing Jesus is at the other end of the journey and is worried about her family, her close friends, her husband.

Lord, help me if that moment comes before me to fully rely on You alone and help those around me to see the good of Your plan.

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bend in the road

the bend in the road is coming.  it begins on Monday the 2nd of June. it began before this date, but on the 2nd I begin a new career ~ as Nurse Educator. I can hardly wait. because it explains my job at the career center, obtaining a license to teach, graduate school and then knowing I needed my MSN and to do it in Nurse Education. I am nervous, I am slightly overwhelmed, but I know this is what I am supposed to do. God has been gracious in His leading of me. I am not the most receptive person to change, but I got this. and i can hardly wait to see what He will have me do other than teach.  A job is more than the job – it is about missions and ministry. Who needs me to listen? Who needs me to help them understand about themselves? Who will be teaching me in Jesus about me? i wonder. His hands have lead me this far and I will continue to let Him lead no matter what the world says.

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… of the brain…. I just had a thought while looking at facebook and people’s relationships and it struck me. there are some people I would like to be friends with, but pretty sure it won’t happen because I am married to a pastor. I never thought about it before, but it makes sense now. wow.

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Suit shopping

I cannot tell you how much I HATE SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES.  It is practically a death sentence to me. BUT, because I have a job interview at a college this Monday and because I have nothing suitable for a job interview, I went shopping.
I tried last weekend for two hours and found absolutely nothing. But God was there watching over me.  I am standing in a department store with a jacket on that I was pretty sure was too big and there was a woman there, very smartly dressed, and I said ” is this too big?”.  She said yes, let’s go look over here. So for 10 minutes we looked in the store and she asked me why I needed a suit and I told her. Well then she said ‘here is a coupon for another store that I don’t need’.  I said are you sure, she said yes, and off i went. Unfortunately they had nothing and I was depressed.
But… God is amazing.  I sent her a thank you note and said, well, now I  have to go to another mall and would you like to come with me?  She emailed me back and said yes.  Off we went today and Jane was an immense help!! And I got interview suits, shirts, a graduation dress and jackets.  I could not have done it without her. After two hours, got done and I took her to lunch then and we talked and talked and had a fabulous time knowing the Lord was in this the whole time. Got home in time for this crazy snowstorm that is falling right now.  I am blessed over and over.