brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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the beauty and the hard.

what is it about words?
the sharp ones. the ones harsh ones. the biting ones. the stinging ones.
the book of James is right – the tongue is our mightiest weapon.
it needs to be tamed. in to obedience to the Scripture.
and sometimes what i write is mistaken for wrong.
how does one put inflection into the written word?
or passion and care? how?
it doesn’t matter because now those words hang….
in the air as a muggy August evening hangs dripping with moisture.
only this drips with insolence and criticism.
sharply spoken and hurtful. and sad.
because it has changed the nature of how i am seen or how i see the other.
i want to ask Jesus – so how many times am I expected to turn my cheek?
how many times must I apologize for something that was taken the wrong way?
how much do you Lord want me to not say? to keep inside?
i wait. what Lord are you trying to teach me? to show me about this person?
what would You have me do?
tomorrow is another day. to hear what i have done wrong. to read what needs to be changed. to see how much i do not help.
and then the day after that. and the next day. they are all the same.
to be immobilized by words. to be spoken down.
what i think i do not speak or write.
so i pray and wait. and watch.


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mindless Friday

just another rainy day in Ohio. i think my yard is going to float away.
very hopeful tomorrow will be sunny. like real sunshine!!!
life happens even in a pandemic.
good and bad. happy and sad.
cancer. the Big C. Chemo. death. in two weeks a life has been radically turned around. and we watch and wait. do research. ask WHY?
WHY?
children making bad choices – like so bad it affects their ability to live.
and in that choice their parents and sibling watch and try.
but in trying there is the trap of enabling a behaviour that is destructive.
so how does one choose to help?
boundaries. and tough love. and saying NO.
and ask WHY???
much like our global pandemic.
people are saying No to a mask or social distancing.
but at what cost? do they understand how their choice affects others?
that when they touch someone or something they can make another person so ill they might die.
i ask WHY???
but yet God. God the Almighty. God the All knowing. God the All Loving.
God knows everything. and He never leaves us. and He wants the best for us.
so we pray and pray and pray. for a pandemic… for children and choices…. for a world in need of the Saviour, Jesus Christ.
our hearts are heavy. our minds are tired.
and there is no answer to the WHY?
only God. only Jesus. only the Holy Spirit.
only faith in the One that saved me.


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last day of cold

the weather man said that this morning was the last morning of cold until October!
no more frost. no more covering up the plants. no more.
OMG…. that means i can plant my veggies.
garlic is up. rhubarb is up. asparagus is up. peas and lettuces are up.
time in the garden. time in the soil. digging. planting. weeding.
contemplating. wondering. praying. listening.
Friday. come find me in the garden, unless of course it is raining.
I. Can. Hardly. Wait.
thank you Jesus for my garden.


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what will you do with your life?

oh dear world…. planet Earth…. the Creation by God.
what will you do? are you weeping?
because if not, you should be.
this week. what a week. it is a revelation into mankind.
sad that the two words for humanity are Man and Kind.
because this week there has been so little KIND in the news.
but MAN – HUMANkind – has been busy destroying each other.
what can i do to help you see that it isn’t about colour.
that what you see on my skin does not define me as a person.
my current IG picture are my two youngest.
my son. born into my heart when he was 7 months old.
I fell in love with him in the social worker’s office.
chubby cheeks, afro, gorgeous eyes. and a brilliant smile.
and he had no home. his mum could not care for him.
she did the hardest toughest most loving thing she could do.
she gave him up. I have a son because of her love.
my girls have a brother because of her love.
and he is mine. i played baseball and soccer and basketball with him.
i helped him learn to ride a bicycle.
i read to him each night in his bed.
i tried to be a good mum. but that isn’t easy.
especially when he walked out the door into the world.
no matter where it was – preschool, middle school, high school, the Marines.
what would happen? how would they treat him? what would they say to him? would he be called names?
i tried to help him understand ignorance and racism.
i attempted to help him know respect and value of life and honour.
we tried. and still in 2020 in the USA people cannot stop being ignorant.
so if you cannot figure this out go read….
barb roose
or find kirk franklin’s IG message from Relevant Magazine.
or read The Color of Water by James McBride.
or so many other things.
and if you are appalled by this… speak up. ask how to help.
educate yourself and others.
and pray that God will reveal Himself to us all so we can LOVE each other.



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ahhh, May.

May. but May in Ohio is tricky.
last frost date is possibly May 9th. BUT the night time temps show below 40 degrees through May 11th.
so be prepared!
the peas and lettuces are up. we had the first picking of asparagus with dinner tonight.
yellow squash and beans are next in.
and i dug the entire bed today that had wild onions in it. they were taking over because of their seeds last fall. major pain this spring. so i spent four hours in the garden digging, raking, pulling, tending.
and i wondered about the tending of my heart and soul by the Lord.
the weeds and wild things that try to take over.
that Christ cares for me to keep tending to me each minute of each day.
His Word, His care, His love.
and in the reminding He brought to mind a former hospice client I care for.
one without Him. and so i pray for all those that do not know Jesus.
because that death of that patient was so hard and difficult, full of regret and stress and anxiety and worry up to his last breath.
so help me Lord to tend myself as i tend to my gardens.
only He does it perfectly and in a way that will teach me to honour Him.


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in the waiting

so. God has stopped the world. He knew about this virus. He knew the timeline.
He knew the consequences. He is a good Father. more perfect than we know.
because in His love for us He will use what appears to be evil and bad for His glory.
i don’t know how. i don’t know when. but i know that is what He does.
and i am waiting. trying to listen. to discern what is He trying to teach me.
i know the world has a lesson, but i am waiting on my lesson. each day i have numerous lessons to learn but this… this is BIG.
the whole world stopped. the economy. the schools. the businesses. the restaurants. everything.
except gas stations, grocery stores, hospitals, emergency services. essential companies or manufacturers.
and we are all working from home. if we can.
what Lord? what do You want us to know?
what do You want me to know and learn?
that You are in control.
that despite the economy tanking (or it appears to be tanking) You will care for our needs.
that You love us and sent Your only Son.
in our anxiety and despair and our need for control You are there.
watching, waiting, hoping for us to seek You out, to call on Your power, to thank You for your mercy and love.
thank you Father.


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Greek Orthodox Easter

He is Risen!!
and He is caring for us in ways we never thought possible.
and I am sure there are many that wonder how?
how is this His care when we are at home, without work, no food. sick. potentially dying.
but He is.
because this fall i am sure i will be losing one-quarter to one half of my income and potentially my job. and my spouse is losing income and maybe his job. this fall it will be harder… not just right now, but in several months.
there is no guarantee in this life. none. and at my age and with my life i understand that this earth isn’t the end of my life.
i have a better home with Jesus in Heaven.
so. i trust Him each day. to wake me up. to get me going. to allow me to breathe in air and work and talk and live life in His purposes.
it isn’t about stuff…. life is about relationships on Earth and in Heaven.
people. family. friends. coworkers.
we may not be able to hug each other and we might have to stay 6 feet apart. but to see them in person and not on their computer… oh my.
so be safe. wear your mask. wash your hands.
and know that God is in the midst of all of this ~ teaching us to truly depend on Him and Him alone for everything.