life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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potential storm brewing

so in Texas they have had ice storms this week and i do feel for them.
ice is scary. snow can be too, but not like ice.
and now they say we are going to have a storm. 6-12″ of snow and blowing.
and i am hopeful i won’t have to get in my car and drive to work.
i love the ‘hunker down’ feel of winter.
because Spring is under the snow.
Resurrection of my garden and the grass and trees and bulbs.
and the Resurrection of Jesus. the Hope of the World.
so what storm are you in? what waves are you riding on?
remember you are not alone. Christ is with you if you believe.
He will not leave you to crash on the shore.
be strong. have faith. no matter how dark. no matter the howling winds.
you. are. not. alone.

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Russ & Bert

i get my haircut once a month. otherwise i look like a frumpy dog.
my hair person is following all of the COVID19 protocols.
one person at a time, mask on. spray between people. gloves.
and either before or after my appointment Bert has her appointment.
a bazillion years ago when I worked at the hospital she was in charge of the business office.
Russ was the Lab Director. they had one daughter. we went to the same church.
he is tall and thin with now grey white hair. she is short and a little stocky.
he is quiet. she is outgoing.
and now she has the start of Alzheimers.
Russ recognized me the first time he saw me. Bert did not.
he walks her in to her hair appointment.
he waits patiently in the chair next to her while she gets a cut and then a blow dry.
he pays. then he helps her with her coat and gloves. and out they go.
and the picture of love is the two of them walking hand in hand out the salon door to the car.
she still has a great smile and he still speaks quietly to her.
God Bless them. God protect them. God revealed in them.
i wonder how many Valentine Days they have had together and how many more are left.

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oh the promise of a blizzard!

… only because i am praying for one!!!
what? pray for a blizzard? oh yessssss.
i survived the blizzard of 1978 when most of you were twinkles.
and now i do want another one.
to stay home for five whole days. to hunker down in blankets with my love.
to bake breads and cookies and breathe in home. home. my home.
to tend to other things rather than work.
so every year now i ask Jesus for a blizzard. and every year He says no.
maybe He is planning one and teaching me patience.
this may take a while then.
but if i get one!!! oh Jesus!!!
i can read and write and paint and sew and crochet and maybe ~
just sit on the couch in the quiet and wait. and listen.
because snow makes noise. a beautiful soft crunchy noise.
or to go out in the garden and breathe in the cold and smell winter.
so. if you feel up to it, ask Jesus for a blizzard for me.
i know He has many other more important things to do.
but if my purpose is to be Holy i would like to be Holy in a blizzard.

there is so much more to say. so much about my little world.
but in the end it is all about people. and relationships.
work. family. friends. true friends in Christ.
culture, noise, politics, choices, money, food, air, water.
who will i care for? who can i help?
how much of myself will i give?
will i compromise my faith for culture? for political correctness?
will i abandon what i believe in to be accepted?
the numerous thoughts in my head that i don’t get on paper.
the 2am thoughts of my children. my faults.
my “if onlys”.
so …. maybe some day i will put them all here.
but not today.
today there is a roast in the oven cooking in cognac and red wine with garlic & leeks & carrots & onions & celery & butter & olive oil.
and there will be red mashed potatoes. and maybe a salad.
and there will be quiet.
blessings on your Shabbot. may you know the peace and joy of Christ in your hearts.

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hope and despair

if you haven’t read this yet, you should.
Lord of the Rings
it is about the 20th anniversary of the Peter Jackson movies.
i am sitting here drinking my citrus-lavender tea. it is cold here in Ohio.
and i re-read my last post.
what kind of faith do i have? oh my.
this life is not about despair, but about hope.
and the allegories that i read when i was younger.
Aslan, Gandalf the White, the Chief Shepherd for Much Afraid.
their job is HOPE in a time of Despair.
to us little minions and gnomes and sheep and hobbits.
their job is LIGHT in a time of Darkness.
and in the last week we might think the end, the BIG END, is truly near.
so be ready… every day.
and we need to be more like Jesus.
i keep saying this. over and over and over.
be kind. be gentle. be loving. be faithful. be generous.
oh wait. there is a pandemic. and the culture is crashing. and my America is falling apart.
yes. yes it is. and yes there is. and I am sure in 2021 there is going to be much more to despair over.
but we won’t. because this, this earth. this planet.
this terra is NOT my permanent home as a believer in Jesus.
i am a citizen of Heaven in an earthly body stuck in gravity.
i do love my garden. and my kitchen.
but wait… in Heaven i want to garden and bake for the King Himself.
and the colours. in Lewis’s book about Heaven and getting there, he says the colours are like nothing we have seen.
so while i am waiting for my real home, His home, i will try my hardest and bestest to remember HOPE. LIGHT. MERCY. GRACE.
what will you do????

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current struggles

this is not your 2021 post. i don’t do those.
this is the current What i am dealing with in my mind post.
it will be raw. it will be real. and it is me.
this life. on Planet Earth.
the struggle of living between the already and the not yet.
to know that my heart belongs to my Saviour but my mind fights this allegiance.
reaching, grasping for explanation to events that have recently occurred.
to understand the behaviours of people that are supposed to care because they are ‘family’
trying to decipher what is it that my Lord wants me to do.
like do i really have to be nice to everyone? even when i am trampled on?
i scroll thru IG and everyone still appears perfect even in their ‘not perfect’ pics.
i see love and caring and giving and something that i cannot give a word to.
our conversations in the past have been do we expect too much from other people?
or we ask do we give too much to others, so much so, that the disappointment of relationships leaves a cavity in our lives?
am i expecting others to replace the One that fills my heart?
i have been through this before. it took two years of therapy and antidepressants to understand that my need of people is not truly a need.
and yet, here i am again. wanting to run away. to hide from work, family, friends, life in general.
why. why must i be the responsible adult? why do i hold myself accountable for everything?
every. little. thing.
is this dark cloud in my mind a result of the 2020 Pandemic that is holding all of us hostage?
why does the past creep into my brain and force me to relive events that aren’t worth reliving?
i am grateful that my children are grown, because then my energy is not spent at the end of the day with nothing left for them.
i am grateful for working remotely, because then i do not have to fake what i might truly want to say to my colleagues.
i would rather the narrative of my life not be intertwined in others, but just Him.
and yet, that is not my calling as a Follower of Jesus.
so in the end i fail Him as well.
and in the failing there is my Chief Shepherd looking for me. the one that is lost.
right now i am a little lost. but i know He is with me.

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humans connecting

the holidays. Christmas. New Year’s.
Thanksgiving has passed.
and what do we do?
we get together with people we aren’t particularly fond of.
just because it is the holidays.
but in the end. this year. 2020.
the year of COVID19. the year of political upheaval.
the year of cultural unrest.
the year we want to be with people we don’t really care for called ‘family’ just to be with other humans.
and i have been wrestling with this.
truthfully i want to be with my people. not necessarily biologically related people.
spiritually related people. people that care for me, for my children, my husband.
not the people that just because of their blood are related.
let me be with those that pray for me, accept me for who I am in all my flaws.
not with those that have judged me for years and years.
not with those that hold my mistakes up to my face.
because this year. this holiday. this Holy Day.
i want to be with people that reflect Jesus to me.
who will you be with???

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purple. and life.

the county I work in is purple.
that means the highest worst level for COVID19.
but when i left work yesterday at 5pm cars were everywhere.
not staying home as the Governor asked.
not masking. not doing their best to not spread the disease.
but i will continue to do so.
because it is the right thing to do.
so working the next two weeks remotely.
and praying for work to be done. and catching up.
how are things in your life???

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going into December & 2021

it is interesting.
perspective. glass half empty or half full?
2020. what a challenging year.
no one. not one person on the planet could have seen this coming.
upheaval in politics, religion, culture and socioeconomics and just life.
how do we recover? will we recover?
2021 seems that the pandemic will still be with us.
and who knows what Flu A and Flu B and RSV will do on top of COVID19?
so what will we do? what will you do?
will 2021 be a challenge? a headache?
or will it be an opportunity? a learning experience?
that no matter what happens in 2021 will you pick yourself up and move forward?
opportunities will abound in December and 2021.
kindness. gentleness. generosity. blessings. grace. mercy.
love with no expectations.
to be Jesus to others.
we each have a great responsibility if we are Christ Followers.
that no matter the circumstances we are given Joy and Peace and Hope.
to share it with others.
and if you haven’t heard it you should be listening to A Drummer Boy Christmas by For King and Country.
because even though Thanksgiving is this week, there might be Christmas songs playing and some decorations out already.
because HOPE is born in December. and 2021 is His opportunity in me.

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do not despair

… for the Lord is with you.
i cling to this. every day.
so that my brain doesn’t wander into darkness.
for He is God and I am not.
i pound this into my heart. He is God.
His soul purpose is Love. for me. for you. for all of Creation.
this world. this planet. these animals. they will perish.
but Jesus bought me with the price of His blood.
He will return to this horribly sad planet.
to take us Home. His home. THE home.
but for now.
no matter the politics.
no matter the masks.
no matter what you think.
we are here together under His stars.
so think of others. put others first.
and do not despair.
because the Lord of the Heavens is with you.
no matter how dark it seems. you are Loved by the Creator of Love.

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tea and honey

tomorrow. November comes. so 61 days to the year.
the garlic is covered.
the beef is bought and in the freezer.
the garden is canned up as best as able.

life is short. on earth.
and covid19 is real. don’t care what you think.
because it is taking out people i know.
so go ahead, don’t wear the mask.
spread the virus to the young and the old and the vulnerable.
because you believe it is a lie.
but guess what.
it isn’t. and Flu A and Flu B and RSV are coming as well.

so this winter. wear the damn mask.
yes. we are all going to get it.
but no need to all of us getting it at the same time.

and i am thinking no matter who wins on Tuesday Jesus is King.
He is on the Throne of Heaven. and in charge.
not me. not you. not any of us. Jesus knows the result.
be assured He has us. all of us. no matter what you believe.