life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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joy in the tiredness

oh Lord, i am tired this week. i am tired of the weight of the earth ~ its dysfunction, its selfishness, its weary work. the cycles of life are God in the chaos but the work in each cycle over and over and over and over. i tire of it this week.
but in the tiredness. the sadness. the reality of dysfunction. God is there. pressing in on my heart and my mind. reminding me He is in the fog, the sunrise, the moon, the stars, my garden, my flowers, the love of my husband, the blessings of my children, the air i breathe in each second, the beat of my heart and in His saving grace of my soul.
i wait in the hope of His return.


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my life is learning to get better at choosing this hashtag… because i went to Diamond Hills Baptist Women’s Retreat last Saturday… and the theme was I Choose Joy. I knew only one person there, she happened to be one of the leaders. So I sat by myself, left side 10th row back and soaked it all in. 125 women. Praise band. Scripture. Personal stories from the speaker about suicide, life, singlehood, being a woman in ministry, healing, depression, and in it all ~ the Joy of the Lord. OH wait, I forgot to mention the Fellowship and the amazing food. they took care of everything ~ flowers everywhere, huge balloons in the sanctuary of bees, ladybugs, flowers, & lots of butterflies; a tile that says I Choose Joy for each of us, pens, little paper notebooks to take notes with our names on it, there was no detail forgotten.
and the Prayer Room. I saw it when I walked in. I came to this retreat intentionally – in the hopes to hear my Lord speak to my heart. because i have been lost in the doldrums of my job; the questioning of my life choices; the doubting that I really did screw up my children…. and the list goes on. the evil one is sneaking, slimy, filthy dirty in his tricks of deceit. but now ~ #ichoosejoy.  I. Choose. Joy. because i went in that prayer room, alone but not Alone, and poured out my heart and my tears – and He sat there waiting for me, listening to me, reminding me of His Presence. oh my gracious & loving Lord ~ He never Fails, Never. He is my Chief Shepherd. He is the Lifter of my head. He is the Healer of my heart. so i sat there an absolute mess of tears and snot and it was good. and i kept breathing Him in. and i walked out knowing that from that day on #ichoosejoy because my joy is in Him and nothing else.

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Life is short… and hot tea helps.

Rooibos tea, specifically. dark, earthy, delicious. in the face of death or the evil one or change – I reach for hot tea and the Word.
took jars of bone broth, chicken soup, and peaches, I should have also taken applesauce, but didn’t think about that until I got there. there… the home of my sister, one of the few i have been given. this one has been in my heart for about 22 years. and cancer has invaded her husband’s life and hers. and i want to cry. life is short. too short.
so i took home canned foods. we sat and talked and caught up. and of course, they encouraged me.

life is short. hot tea helps. but Scripture helped more.

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1st day of Spring

Tomorrow. First day of Spring. But here in north central Ohio there is snow in the forecast. Typical. So I will wait and hope and know that the warm days are coming. My garden will wait. The clematis will get trimmed. The elderberries will get planted. The asparagus will be back with the rhubarb.
in the mean time there is Easter. the day that Jesus is Risen!! and my sin that put Him on the cross is forgiven. I am struggling with work right now and with people. The evil one is traipsing through my building reeking havoc but I am praying fervently. My Jesus is in control.
and the church… what to do about the church? or the people in the church? that do not understand church is for all of us and if we don’t spread the Word ~ leaving the 99 behind and going after the 1 or the 100, there will be no church. It isn’t about money or stuff or the building it is about the saving grace of Jesus.
so, we pray and wait. not patiently, but we wait. at my job, at my church, at home.

go see this.. it’s Friday, but Sunday’s coming.

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it gets in the way. all the parts of life where I have to be an adult. like paying bills and being responsible and knowing  the right choice to make.  life. choosing between bills and vacation. or having to get buy a used car or groceries. oh life… why can’t you be simple? why do i have to be responsible? but I will be… and in the end all will be well.
trusting the Lord for the week. each day. help me to be You Jesus, in a building of empty hearts and souls that need Your Mercy and Grace.

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hope. life. souls.

I have been in my new position for just a year now. I cannot begin to explain what I have seen in people. I never thought at all, Never, that people would behave this way. Deceitful. Dishonesty. Mean spirited. Two faced. words I use to describe the evil one – who comes to crush steal and destroy the spirit. but now I have witnessed it where I work. It isn’t on television. It isn’t in the news.  It is where I work every day. and so now I am diligent to pray harder, to pray longer, to pray more. for protection, for the people I work with. because Jesus is King. and the evil one is a big loser.
oh Jesus, come to us. because You are Hope and Life and the only thing for their Souls.

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seeds, life, moons

hoping to order garden seeds this weekend!!! life from a dead seed…. so interesting to think about. and then there is the moon this week! if you haven’t seen it… go now!!! it is bright, and clear, and glorious!!!
back to the thought of life. life on earth… with the unseen battle being waged constantly. to and fro is the movement of the evil one all over the earth…. surrounding us, lying to us, shaming us with our past, hoping to trip us up and think Why God, would you do this?
work currently is very difficult. i need to be praying more diligently for my building. and my children. and my husband. and praying more.