life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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He is all I need

my readings lately have focused on one thing this summer: my relationship with Jesus.
and then yesterday life changed in an instant.
my beloved laid on the back porch and couldn’t move. and got sick.
and it didn’t stop.
so i called 911 and watched them take him away.
because in this COVID19 world you cannot be with your loved one in an ER.
and then they transported him to where he could see a neurologist.
and get an MRI.
i called my sisters in Christ. to pray. there are three Kelly’s, a Lori and then the Texas gang.
and Lori said He is all you need. you take each day and don’t worry what you have to do tomorrow. you wait and see what today brings. she came over this morning. and we had tea and toast. and prayed.
so i sat at the hospital today. watched him eat his clear liquids and prayed he kept them down. talked to the Neurologist twice.
watched him walk to the bathroom to see if he was any better.
read for a while. listened to music. and waited.
because He is enough. God the Father and Jesus my King and the Holy Spirit are enough. they are so much more than enough.
i do not need more than The Trinity. but right now… in the moment of what could happen – it was a most difficult thing to consider what might happen.
so help me Lord to always trust You are all I need.

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to the fathers of my life

i cannot write this without tears.
tears of loss. tears of regret. tears of love.
both of my fathers are gone. for too long they have been gone from this earthly life.
so i have no one to call upon as an earthly father.
my Heavenly Father was made known to me when i was 15.
i have never been alone without a Father.
but to my earthly fathers.
the words of my heart hang in the air. spoken but not heard.
i am sorry. so sorry.
for what i didn’t say. for what i didn’t tell you.
my birth father. who left when i was 13 and then died 10 years later.
the chasm of loss in my life was huge but so it was in yours.
only i know now that you did not know how to father because you did not have a father either.
so how would you know to love a child when you yourself weren’t loved?
or if you were loved it was in a way and fashion that might have hurt.
and then to my stepfather – also long gone from this earth.
that you stayed in the marriage and you remained calm and level headed.
in your way you loved me and i missed some of it.
for what you were to the grandchildren – that will never be forgotten.

Ann Voskamp has said it best today.
“You cannot deeply love your parents until you grieve the deep wounds of their life.”

in that, for the brokenness of my life comes from what my parents knew in their growing up. and i think of my children and the brokenness of my life placed into their lives. will they forgive me and try to understand what has happened that shaped me? and will they remember that in it in my life was Christ? that there is nothing of value in my life without Him?

so if my earthly fathers were here in front of me I would say thank you, i love you. you both did well as the father you could be. you loved me as you knew how to. you have done a good job in providing for me, in shaping me, in caring for me.
Thank you to Glenn and to Howard for the love you shared of yourself to me. I wish you were here. I wish I could see you and hug you.

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there are no words

so when there are no words there is silence.
of my heart. of my mind. of my soul.
i cling to His Word.
that i am not alone, that Christ is sitting with me.
there are no words.
for what my mind, in its deepest recesses knew was brought to light.
and i wept. for what was. for what could have been.
and i ask why? and i ask how?
and then. there is silence.
so that i may know God my Father, and King Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are standing here with me in my sorrow and my pain.
so much. that i will not carry this.
it belongs at the Cross of my salvation.
at the Resurrected feet of my King Jesus.
and i will wait.

there are no words.
only His.
Matthew 8:2,3 & 17:20 KJV
If I may but touch His garment, I shall be whole. Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. I will; be thou clean. Faith as a grain of mustard seed.

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my summer reading currently is Experiencing God with the Facebook group led by Mandisa, the book of John study with a sister in Christ, and then with all your heart by Christine Hoover with a sister in Texas and a group of women on zoom.
I am also reading Eat the Cookie by Taylor Kiser when it arrives tomorrow.
common theme I am seeing for 2020: life or death and obedience or sacrifice – the choice is mine.
Tied to these choices is the Word of the Lord, my relationship with God, and how I seek Jesus Christ with the Holy Spirit.
because out of my choices flows either God or me.
and so far what I read is I don’t want me. this isn’t about punishing myself, but understanding to give my heart, to confess my sins and to lay it all down to obey His Word equals life.
True Holy Life in Jesus.
so I am thinking deeply about all of my relationships, my job, my family.
i did this in therapy years ago when dealing with depression and childhood issues and the question Where was God in all of this? Why do people behave the way they do? What the heck was I thinking when I did ________?

and God is there. watching, hoping, leading, waiting.
so this summer i am working on continuing to choose life and obedience.
I am working on this in every area of my day and my night, of my coming and my going, of my waking and my sleeping.
what are you working on this summer? what will you do with the choices in front of you?
in light of what is going on in the world what choices can we make?
blessings. on the day. the week. the summer. the year.
God is there waiting on you. He wants you so badly to know Him.
Choose Life.

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the beauty and the hard.

what is it about words?
the sharp ones. the ones harsh ones. the biting ones. the stinging ones.
the book of James is right – the tongue is our mightiest weapon.
it needs to be tamed. in to obedience to the Scripture.
and sometimes what i write is mistaken for wrong.
how does one put inflection into the written word?
or passion and care? how?
it doesn’t matter because now those words hang….
in the air as a muggy August evening hangs dripping with moisture.
only this drips with insolence and criticism.
sharply spoken and hurtful. and sad.
because it has changed the nature of how i am seen or how i see the other.
i want to ask Jesus – so how many times am I expected to turn my cheek?
how many times must I apologize for something that was taken the wrong way?
how much do you Lord want me to not say? to keep inside?
i wait. what Lord are you trying to teach me? to show me about this person?
what would You have me do?
tomorrow is another day. to hear what i have done wrong. to read what needs to be changed. to see how much i do not help.
and then the day after that. and the next day. they are all the same.
to be immobilized by words. to be spoken down.
what i think i do not speak or write.
so i pray and wait. and watch.

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mindless Friday

just another rainy day in Ohio. i think my yard is going to float away.
very hopeful tomorrow will be sunny. like real sunshine!!!
life happens even in a pandemic.
good and bad. happy and sad.
cancer. the Big C. Chemo. death. in two weeks a life has been radically turned around. and we watch and wait. do research. ask WHY?
children making bad choices – like so bad it affects their ability to live.
and in that choice their parents and sibling watch and try.
but in trying there is the trap of enabling a behaviour that is destructive.
so how does one choose to help?
boundaries. and tough love. and saying NO.
and ask WHY???
much like our global pandemic.
people are saying No to a mask or social distancing.
but at what cost? do they understand how their choice affects others?
that when they touch someone or something they can make another person so ill they might die.
i ask WHY???
but yet God. God the Almighty. God the All knowing. God the All Loving.
God knows everything. and He never leaves us. and He wants the best for us.
so we pray and pray and pray. for a pandemic… for children and choices…. for a world in need of the Saviour, Jesus Christ.
our hearts are heavy. our minds are tired.
and there is no answer to the WHY?
only God. only Jesus. only the Holy Spirit.
only faith in the One that saved me.

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last day of cold

the weather man said that this morning was the last morning of cold until October!
no more frost. no more covering up the plants. no more.
OMG…. that means i can plant my veggies.
garlic is up. rhubarb is up. asparagus is up. peas and lettuces are up.
time in the garden. time in the soil. digging. planting. weeding.
contemplating. wondering. praying. listening.
Friday. come find me in the garden, unless of course it is raining.
I. Can. Hardly. Wait.
thank you Jesus for my garden.

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what will you do with your life?

oh dear world…. planet Earth…. the Creation by God.
what will you do? are you weeping?
because if not, you should be.
this week. what a week. it is a revelation into mankind.
sad that the two words for humanity are Man and Kind.
because this week there has been so little KIND in the news.
but MAN – HUMANkind – has been busy destroying each other.
what can i do to help you see that it isn’t about colour.
that what you see on my skin does not define me as a person.
my current IG picture are my two youngest.
my son. born into my heart when he was 7 months old.
I fell in love with him in the social worker’s office.
chubby cheeks, afro, gorgeous eyes. and a brilliant smile.
and he had no home. his mum could not care for him.
she did the hardest toughest most loving thing she could do.
she gave him up. I have a son because of her love.
my girls have a brother because of her love.
and he is mine. i played baseball and soccer and basketball with him.
i helped him learn to ride a bicycle.
i read to him each night in his bed.
i tried to be a good mum. but that isn’t easy.
especially when he walked out the door into the world.
no matter where it was – preschool, middle school, high school, the Marines.
what would happen? how would they treat him? what would they say to him? would he be called names?
i tried to help him understand ignorance and racism.
i attempted to help him know respect and value of life and honour.
we tried. and still in 2020 in the USA people cannot stop being ignorant.
so if you cannot figure this out go read….
barb roose
or find kirk franklin’s IG message from Relevant Magazine.
or read The Color of Water by James McBride.
or so many other things.
and if you are appalled by this… speak up. ask how to help.
educate yourself and others.
and pray that God will reveal Himself to us all so we can LOVE each other.

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ahhh, May.

May. but May in Ohio is tricky.
last frost date is possibly May 9th. BUT the night time temps show below 40 degrees through May 11th.
so be prepared!
the peas and lettuces are up. we had the first picking of asparagus with dinner tonight.
yellow squash and beans are next in.
and i dug the entire bed today that had wild onions in it. they were taking over because of their seeds last fall. major pain this spring. so i spent four hours in the garden digging, raking, pulling, tending.
and i wondered about the tending of my heart and soul by the Lord.
the weeds and wild things that try to take over.
that Christ cares for me to keep tending to me each minute of each day.
His Word, His care, His love.
and in the reminding He brought to mind a former hospice client I care for.
one without Him. and so i pray for all those that do not know Jesus.
because that death of that patient was so hard and difficult, full of regret and stress and anxiety and worry up to his last breath.
so help me Lord to tend myself as i tend to my gardens.
only He does it perfectly and in a way that will teach me to honour Him.

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in the waiting

so. God has stopped the world. He knew about this virus. He knew the timeline.
He knew the consequences. He is a good Father. more perfect than we know.
because in His love for us He will use what appears to be evil and bad for His glory.
i don’t know how. i don’t know when. but i know that is what He does.
and i am waiting. trying to listen. to discern what is He trying to teach me.
i know the world has a lesson, but i am waiting on my lesson. each day i have numerous lessons to learn but this… this is BIG.
the whole world stopped. the economy. the schools. the businesses. the restaurants. everything.
except gas stations, grocery stores, hospitals, emergency services. essential companies or manufacturers.
and we are all working from home. if we can.
what Lord? what do You want us to know?
what do You want me to know and learn?
that You are in control.
that despite the economy tanking (or it appears to be tanking) You will care for our needs.
that You love us and sent Your only Son.
in our anxiety and despair and our need for control You are there.
watching, waiting, hoping for us to seek You out, to call on Your power, to thank You for your mercy and love.
thank you Father.