brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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the holidays and reflections

it is 2022. half way through January. life moves on.
no matter what is happening or not happening.
life on earth. this life.
i spent a good deal of time on my own in my short time off.
i miss my three small children here. or my three teenaged children.
the holidays are not the same. and that is life.
i don’t mean to be depressing, or sad, but it is this life on earth that is not mine.
i cry for what has gone by and i did not appreciate it at the time.
i miss my grandmothers so very much. more than i knew. more than i thought possible.
i try to listen for what God is teaching me in this time. because we do not know the days we have.
so keep trying to be like Christ to a world that is hurting so very much it hurts others.
stay strong in your faith because we are never ever alone. ever.
right now in this moment of time i have too many people fighting for their physical life: cancer, cancer, cancer. oh how i hate cancer.
so keep at it dear ones. keep reading Scripture. keep looking out for what God is doing around you.
remember you are not alone.


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the journey of days

how many days to the end of life? your life? my life?
morbid? not really. as a former hospice nurse i have seen all types of death.
because as humans we will die a physical death.
at the holidays i observed some of the worst deaths. and some of the best.
i pray i die well. to be at peace with the Saviour of my soul.
to know i did my best on this planet that is not really my home.
that the regrets i have will be forgiven by those left behind.
and that whom ever knew me saw Jesus in me.
that i loved each person well despite what they believed about God or thought of me.
yesterday was Thanksgiving here in America.
but each day is thanksgiving. for so many things i cannot list them all. BUT….
today. i woke up. i have a spouse of 42 years that has loved me most well.
i have saving Grace and Mercy since i was 16. and despite my stupidity, God loves me more than i know.
i have food, a home, three children and a son-in-law that loves my eldest daughter.
my garden feeds my home and family and friends.
i am without nothing. nothing. i have Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, Freedom to go anywhere.
and so i am grateful and thankful each day.
there is soup simmering for church for tomorrow.
the music of Christmas that i love so well is playing.
i cry for the past that has come and gone – the memories that flood my heart bring the tears. such joy.
but today is present. and i hope you are well.
blessings on your day. and the holidays that might have joy or grief.
and no matter how many days any of us have left, we use them well.


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life as it is here

there are too many words in my head.
two weeks ago i called 911.
for my husband.
and i watched them drive him away.
i couldn’t go in to the ER.
so i called every two hours for an update.
and had him transferred to another hospital. where i could go in. and the doctors he needed were there.
i don’t think i slept that night. i laid in bed and thought ~ this cannot be happening.
but it was and it did.
he is home. he is on meds. and this was a warning. i am sure.
and the Lord said Yes, you get to have him for a while longer.
so i am blessed with more time. to laugh and cry and wonder what God will do next in our journey.
what a shock. and then calling the children. because if i didn’t they would not have been happy with me.
and called the church. and his mom.
this life on earth. so temporary. so not permanent.
because there is more in Jesus. and that was the reminder two weeks ago.


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Joy and Sorrow

this is going to be a happy and sad posting.
because that is what is in my heart and going on.
JOY
my eldest got married last Friday. oh what a whirlwind.
and in March I will put her on a plane and she will move to Paris, France permanently. and I will still find joy because it is her joy.
her husband is from France and to get married there is a nightmare.
so they got married here in the states.
and he loves her so very very much.
and his mum is adorable and loves her so very very much.
and I will let her go…. because that is what a parent does.
no matter what.

SORROW
so at work this week i have had to deal with student issues that have broken my heart. to tears.
what does one say when there is a student in your office and her significant other has killed themselves? there are no words to console her. no words to ease her pain as she sits there with no emotion on her face. none.
and the next day is a student with such issues and dysfunction in her life she is barely hanging on by a thread. there is so much need in her life.

and i do what i can. and when they leave i cry because of what i see and hear.
and i pray to the Lord to help me know what to do.

i went to the funeral home tonight.
there was no body.
a mob of people there. but the sadness in the air. and the student being consoled by her friends.
how does one recover from a suicide? how?


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too…..

many tasks to accomplish
many emotions to deal with
much work to do at my jobs
many people dealing with worse issues than I have.

so…. with that said. I spent a day with the people in Pittsburgh over the weekend.
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
how does one talk about what they live with?
my father had AML thirty-nine years ago. and i wonder if things would have been different if someone had reached out to him about his symptoms. he died after his first treatment.
before that it was my best friend from Cincy. we were 22 and both just married. and leukemia struck and killed her.
and now a good friend … ten years into the fight…. still trying to figure out best treatment options. still researching initiatives and trials. still. to live longer and better for herself.
in the end we live on this side of heaven, this side of the Risen Kingdom of Jesus. and thus, it is a fallen world – a world of sickness, sadness, evil, anxiety, depression, harm to others, so many bad things. in that we have the Hope of Christ to live one day at a time here.


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the Death of death.

this is the weekend. the one that everyone writes/blogs/sings/talks about. this is the one. it is about the One. Jesus. His death is the Death of death. because of His resurrection ~ to rise from Death and Live. the Death of death. we are not wormfood. we are not coming back as an animal. we are not void and shapeless in the air. to live eternally look at the One, the Christ, Jesus. take Him at His word – the Living Breathing Eternal Word. know that you cannot do anything for His Love and Grace and Mercy. just admit to your need of Him.

i am just in from the garden thinking on life and the weekend and what others i know are dealing with. Death. they are dealing with someone they love is dying. BUT GOD. because of a deep deep faith in the One that will be Resurrected my friend will live again with Christ. but my sister in Christ will lose her partner, her beloved, her soul mate her lover, the one that completes her. She knows the end is near. she watches and waits and prays. this Resurrection weekend is deafening in her heart and soul for her beloved on earth. and i pray. for them both. for God to move in the purpose of this brother’s dying. for Christ to be revealed as he dies as loudly as Jesus was in his life.

my garden. such a picture of life. remove the invasive grass. pull the weeds. mulch the beds. plant the seeds. smell the green.
as my spirit needs gardened. i am a poor gardener of my soul. but i am forgiven and grateful.


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Little Women and such things

oh my. it is the 1994 version of Little Women, the best one ever produced no matter what anyone says. I miss my little women watching this and saying the lines and crying in all the places to cry in. and knowing the importance of the message of the movie and the book. and now it is snowing, a completely changed weather forecast from this morning.
such things. too many things in my heart. the pain of truly letting go. the sorrow of a life not well spent. the regret of what i could have done but did not do.
and each day marches onward. into the months and the year. time passes but it is but a blink. because future is not here, but in the majesty and colours of Heaven. my heart aches for the days of before, but yearns for what it might be like to be in the house of Heaven. i will gladly work in His kitchen or care for His gardens. that all that i love on earth is nothing compared to this.


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last Friday of 2017 !

It really is the last Friday night of 2017… and today a 28 year old was buried due to opioid addiction. How does one celebrate the new year when their child has died? How do you get up in the morning? How do you eat without getting sick at the thought of never seeing your child again? in the depths of the swallowing consuming darkness God is there. His Son, the Babe just celebrated, took on this darkness and brought Light in to it. Jesus, Emmanuel ~ God with Us… is present in every nano second, every tear, every wound, every heart break. God’s heart was broken and He gave us Light and Life.  the scars of His beatings, His hanging on the Cross, the brutality we cannot imagine give God an understanding of our despair, our darkness, our life.
May these parents find strength and Light in the Holy One. to survive and tell the story of what He has done for them in their loss.


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he died of depression…

but it won’t be on his death certificate. I am a former hospice nurse and I know…. my client had cancer but the death certificate said pneumonia or CHF or whatever. Robin Williams died of depression.
i dealt with depression for two years. it was precipitated by several events in my life. i ended up seeing a counselor for those two years and was on antidepressants for one year. Mental health issues are not easily resolved, sometimes never. for me, i had great help so that i wasn’t swallowed by the darkness of the pit i was in for a while.
we hide our mental health, so much so that when someone famous decides to end their life because the pit has swallowed them, we are shocked.
i am saddened that so many people in the world are scared to discuss what is really happening in their mind. that they fear losing friends and family and jobs. that to admit to mental health issues is in itself a death sentence sometimes. i had an older cousin that committed suicide. she had numerous attempts, was rescued, but eventually she freed herself of whatever was in her mind by ending her life.
life is precious. life is valuable. the decision to end a life is a personal choice that unless we can see the darkness we will not understand it. i am hoping we can have compassion for those around us living in a pit and do what ever we can to help them out.