life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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July 2nd, 2022

it is hard to give this post a title. there is sooooo much on my mind and heart.
most important would be in less than 30 days my French daughter will be home for two weeks.
oh holy cows. like oh holy cows. i am trying to remain calm.
but it has been since March 2020 that we have been in the same room.
she got out just as the world shut down for COVID19.
thank the Lord for What’sApp and for Zoom.
next is the big man’s birthday is this month. and it is a BIG one!!!!!! i don’t think he is ready.
then there is a week off at home to prep for the daughter and SIL for August.
headed to see Beth Moore, funnel cakes at Funnel Cake Island food truck, quilt shops and maybe Chick Fil A. fellowship, food, fun and laughter.
still working in the garden. and the house.
watching the 2022 Tour de France that began yesterday. OMG. Denmark is gorgeous. i want to go.
trying to maintain boundaries at work. so difficult.
there is so much to do and not enough time. but if i don’t get out, leave, i make myself sick.
because then there is the world – the whole mess of Earth.
so that brings me to this side of Heaven. on Earth. trying to live like Christ.
to be His reflection. His presence to others.
and dang if that isn’t difficult still. so i beg the Holy Spirit to take my tongue, my thoughts, my mind, my heart and please please please get the evil one out and fill me with Christ.
besides Scripture, the Holy Word i recommend a number of writers.
Amy Seiffert. Barb Roose. Priscilla Shirer. Jada Edwards. Kim Cash Tate. Colleen Chao. Portia Collins.
the list is too long. so find yourself some women who write about the Word and read them with your Bible.
oldies i read each summer? oh yessssss.
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.
Can You Drink the Cup by Henri J.M. Nouwen.
Christy by Catherine Marshall.
Fervent by Priscilla Shirer.
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle.
anything by C.S. Lewis, but especially Till We Have Faces.
lastly my faves from my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Black, The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe by Lewis and Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery.
get off your phone, get off your computer.
read your Bible. read a good book. fall in love with Jesus all over again.

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it just keeps getting worse

work. work this week was the absolute worst week ever.
not including gas prices, food prices, inflation.
so i stop. i pause. i consider What am i being Taught?
what is it about putting out fires all the time and not being able to do the jobs i have?
what? the tyranny of the urgent has been the last three weeks and each week is worse than the one before.
i spend time under a blue sky white clouds and streaming sun.
i check on the garden beds. the squash seeds are sprouted. the new rhubarb roots are growing.
lettuces are up. beans are looking good.
something is eating the pepper plants again. OMG.
and the tomatoes are doing well.
flowers are not looking great – too much hot sun a week ago and then too much wetness.
one day at a time. just one day. and then it is one hour at a time.
and silently know that control is not mine. in any of it.
so maybe that is the lesson.
to yield everything to Christ. all of it. every bit of life.

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weekly wanderings.

words for this past week?
there are none. not one. only full emotionally charged brain activity.
dark despairings. anger that isn’t righteous.
at all of it. even the little things in my life.
debt that was dumped on us. expectations that are from the self-righteous.
not being good enough for anything. i did it all wrong in my choices.
death of the innocent and innocence in life.
young men so wounded in their lives they crush kill destroy others.
young women so wounded in their lives they crush kill destroy themselves.
old women needing so much control they crush kill destroy those they “love”.
culture that is manipulated & thwarted by evil.
so there are no words for any of this.
except to run. run away in my mind my heart my soul. run.

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does it really matter?

what i write? what i think? what i say?
what matters? what really matters to you?
to the innermost of your heart, your soul, your emotional mind.
what matters to those pieces of you?
there is so much on my mind that words don’t seem adequate at times.
the stress and anxiety of life at this moment.
it actually could consume me. swallowed into the darkness.
but i do not let my mind go there. because Christ is my Light.
His mercy, His Grace, His Breath in me, His Word of Truth in my heart.
so whatever it is you are dealing with today ~ you matter.
you truly matter. and the darkness will not overcome you.
because we are made in the image of God.
and He loves each one of us.

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sunny and 80 degrees

and much like what is going on all around us, the weather is not the norm.
we are twenty degrees higher than usual at this time of the year.
so if we have a cold snap or below freezing ~ plants may die or not produce.
we are certainly tired. and worn out. and watching a war. with inflation and food and gas prices rising.
the list goes on of what is wrong with this world.
in being outside yesterday i wondered about listening.
do we listen enough? can we truly hear the Risen Saviour speak to us if we don’t stop talking?
do i have to say what is on my mind? or remind someone of what i know?
no. no i don’t. and if i am quiet will those around me be quiet? will they listen instead of react?
not sure. but it is worth a try.
which takes me back to boundaries and life. and what to participate in with others.
Beth Moore is scheduled. sewing retreat is scheduled. airbnb reserved.
days off scheduled. just to listen. in the quiet.
what are you doing for your self preservation?

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Resurrection Sabbath.

it is today. the day of Hope. the day of Grace. the day of Mercy.
how does one know in the darkness that Hope is coming?
sunrise comes and He is not in His tomb. He is not swathed in oils and herbs.
He is Risen!!!
can you not see? even in the darkness He is there.
will you not believe? know that you have never been alone.
He, the Creator of all things, is with you.
no. matter. what.
true Love is waiting on your giving yourself to Him.
control. emotions. life. job. relationships.
He is waiting.

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silent Holy Saturday

and music.
Jireh by Elevation Worship.
SEVEN by Brooke Ligertwood.
and then some oldies:
Hungry by Vineyard.
In the Company of Angels by Caedmon’s Call.
just trying to listen. to sounds of my soul.
to understand. to let go of it all.
to know what is important in this day of His Holy Silence.
setting new boundaries for myself.
trusting you are waiting on Resurrection Sunday as i am.
the Power of the Cross, the Hope of Forgiveness, the Love of my Holy Father.

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on the cusp of the eve of 2022

if there is one thing we should have all learned ~ or maybe two things ~ it is this:

  1. we aren’t in charge of anything except our own attitude
  2. change is constant

so how will you respond to 2022? to transition? to constant change?
to not knowing what each day will bring?
to people trying to manipulate, use, and control you & those around you?
to a culture that is nothing like what it was, even from one year ago?
we think but i am only one person in a small small piece of a very large planet.
and that is true. i am only one person.
and i know Who is truly in charge.
so give it up in 2022. give it all up.
let Jesus be in charge of it all ~ your mind, your heart, your passions.
let Him have what you cannot change and what is changing around you.
all. of. it.
because the day-to-day struggle that is before us doesn’t have to be a struggle.
release to Him what is out of your hands (or what you think is in your hands).
2022. i anticipate many issues, many ups & downs, many sorrows & joys.
but that is called LIFE. and Jesus = LIFE.
blessings in your new year.

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a new year is coming.

…. time marches on.
yes, yes it does. it moves as fluid as water does without paying any attention to me.
so i must learn to move with it. because if not, i will be left behind.
my only resolution for years has been to please dear Lord, let me be like You.
every year since i was 16 and my heart was awakened to my need of Him.
and now here comes 2022. marching in front of us.
i still pray to be more Christ like. to love as He loved. to give as He gave.
to those i speak to, to those i sit with, to those i work with.
no matter how i am treated or what is said about me ~ to be Him.
so 2022. the virus will still be with us.
like if you haven’t figured it out yet, it isn’t going away. it is permanent.
the culture shift will only get worse, depending on your view.
politics will continue to be volatile, ignoring the basic needs of each human and focusing on themselves.
and the church? how will the church respond? we Christians are failing at life in this pandemic.
what did the New Testament believers do for the lepers? or the prostitutes? or the vulnerable?
we have lost community in the Church. and thus we have failed the world.
so in 2022 may we care for, love on, give out of ourselves to those in need around us without regard for who they are or what they have done.
we Christians have the blessing of Holy Mercy and Grace and it needs to be shared.
blessings to all.

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the struggle of life

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
go ahead, sing it. you know it. we hear it every day at this season.
really? the most wonderful time of the year?
and despite the struggle of this life, it is the most wonderful time.
of life. of eternity.
the King is born. the Creator God came to Earth.
my pastor husband always says Jesus put on flesh and came to our neighborhood.
and He did.
and my imperfect broken heart and soul cry out to Him more this year than any.
that the root of bitterness does not grow.
that i will be open in my heart and soul to His love and mercy and grace.
this season my Advent has been filled by Amy Orr-Ewing.
her daily words this advent have hit me hard.
Mary’s Voice in Advent. Mary’s voice. the earthly mother of Jesus.
my expectations are pathetic compared to Mary.
i still have the hope of the Christmas eve, and dinner, and Christmas day, and my home.
and i haven’t learned to let it go.
so i sit here and process the emotion running in my mind, the tears in my eyes and the notion that this earth is such a disappointment.
there is nothing here to fill the ache we have.
and Mary, in her poverty and youth, gave birth to my Saviour.
She looked into His eyes, kissed His cheeks, held Him close knowing what the future held.
i have so much to learn and so little time.
Come Lord Jesus, fill us with You at this most wonderful time of the year.