life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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summer solstice

how can this be the longest day of the year already? oh the thoughts in my head that come and are gone fleeting through my neurons.
like why do people make the movies they make? such horrible things to put on the big screen… I wonder do they really care about what is being produced?
or that life is short and God is everywhere. and i cannot do anything about it.
that my children have believed the lies of the evil one. they live not realizing how absolutely wonderful they are, how much they have to offer the world they live in, all because they won’t let go and let God. my soul shakes wondering what part I played in this.
this whole global political mess of a planet we live on.
and yet… there is the blue sky, the ocean, the breeze, the beating heart we have every morning.
i miss my grandmas. and Hilda. and Jan. and DA. and my father. and Kim. all those that are gone that i didn’t ask enough questions or sit and listen quietly to the conversation of their hearts.


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joy in the tiredness

oh Lord, i am tired this week. i am tired of the weight of the earth ~ its dysfunction, its selfishness, its weary work. the cycles of life are God in the chaos but the work in each cycle over and over and over and over. i tire of it this week.
but in the tiredness. the sadness. the reality of dysfunction. God is there. pressing in on my heart and my mind. reminding me He is in the fog, the sunrise, the moon, the stars, my garden, my flowers, the love of my husband, the blessings of my children, the air i breathe in each second, the beat of my heart and in His saving grace of my soul.
i wait in the hope of His return.

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my life is learning to get better at choosing this hashtag… because i went to Diamond Hills Baptist Women’s Retreat last Saturday… and the theme was I Choose Joy. I knew only one person there, she happened to be one of the leaders. So I sat by myself, left side 10th row back and soaked it all in. 125 women. Praise band. Scripture. Personal stories from the speaker about suicide, life, singlehood, being a woman in ministry, healing, depression, and in it all ~ the Joy of the Lord. OH wait, I forgot to mention the Fellowship and the amazing food. they took care of everything ~ flowers everywhere, huge balloons in the sanctuary of bees, ladybugs, flowers, & lots of butterflies; a tile that says I Choose Joy for each of us, pens, little paper notebooks to take notes with our names on it, there was no detail forgotten.
and the Prayer Room. I saw it when I walked in. I came to this retreat intentionally – in the hopes to hear my Lord speak to my heart. because i have been lost in the doldrums of my job; the questioning of my life choices; the doubting that I really did screw up my children…. and the list goes on. the evil one is sneaking, slimy, filthy dirty in his tricks of deceit. but now ~ #ichoosejoy.  I. Choose. Joy. because i went in that prayer room, alone but not Alone, and poured out my heart and my tears – and He sat there waiting for me, listening to me, reminding me of His Presence. oh my gracious & loving Lord ~ He never Fails, Never. He is my Chief Shepherd. He is the Lifter of my head. He is the Healer of my heart. so i sat there an absolute mess of tears and snot and it was good. and i kept breathing Him in. and i walked out knowing that from that day on #ichoosejoy because my joy is in Him and nothing else.

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Life is short… and hot tea helps.

Rooibos tea, specifically. dark, earthy, delicious. in the face of death or the evil one or change – I reach for hot tea and the Word.
took jars of bone broth, chicken soup, and peaches, I should have also taken applesauce, but didn’t think about that until I got there. there… the home of my sister, one of the few i have been given. this one has been in my heart for about 22 years. and cancer has invaded her husband’s life and hers. and i want to cry. life is short. too short.
so i took home canned foods. we sat and talked and caught up. and of course, they encouraged me.

life is short. hot tea helps. but Scripture helped more.

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it gets in the way. all the parts of life where I have to be an adult. like paying bills and being responsible and knowing  the right choice to make.  life. choosing between bills and vacation. or having to get buy a used car or groceries. oh life… why can’t you be simple? why do i have to be responsible? but I will be… and in the end all will be well.
trusting the Lord for the week. each day. help me to be You Jesus, in a building of empty hearts and souls that need Your Mercy and Grace.

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seeds, life, moons

hoping to order garden seeds this weekend!!! life from a dead seed…. so interesting to think about. and then there is the moon this week! if you haven’t seen it… go now!!! it is bright, and clear, and glorious!!!
back to the thought of life. life on earth… with the unseen battle being waged constantly. to and fro is the movement of the evil one all over the earth…. surrounding us, lying to us, shaming us with our past, hoping to trip us up and think Why God, would you do this?
work currently is very difficult. i need to be praying more diligently for my building. and my children. and my husband. and praying more.

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the day after the BIG weekend.

oh my. Christmas 2017. 72 hours of being 5 under the roof. of laughter, conversations, reminiscing of Grandmas, hearing them sleeping, seeing them as adults. It happened too fast but this year ~ this holiday ~ these 72 hours ~ what a joy to my heart and blessing to my soul. I pray Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he/she should go, and when he/she is old he/she will not depart from it. I also pray that no matter what they do in their life, may I be like Christ in loving them – with a generous and merciful heart and open hands of love. the three of them, pictured to the right, all grown ups, all adults ~ responsible for themselves, their life choices, their future.
I sit here with hot tea and frosted cookies (knowing I should be eating the carrot sticks) thinking of life in our little old home. It has cracked paint, windows needing replaced, a driveway needing repair. But we are warm & cozy, well fed in soul and body, clean water, and a God that has come to Earth as a babe in flesh. how can i ask for anything? I ask for the Spirit of the Lord to quicken my children’s hearts and souls – to remind them of where they came from – more than Earth, but of Heaven. I ask to be His messenger to others – that what I will say and do will matter only in Heaven and not on Earth.
I sent food with all three of them as they left – the usual – frosted cookies, thumbprints, snowballs, turtles, hot dog casserole, shrimp jambalya, ham, cranberry relish, cheesy potatoes, green bean casserole, presents. but daily I pray for manna from Heaven to fill them, that they will find their purpose in the King of Kings and they will know real Love in the Saviour.
May you be blessed this holiday season and know the Peace, Joy, Hope and Love of Christ in 2018!!!!