brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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i want a time machine.

because i want to go back in time. to when i was teaching. i miss teaching something terrible BUT here is the conundrum… you know, when there are confusing circumstances, any ways ~ i digress. if i go back to teaching i know what the people are like that i teach with, i know the things they have said about me, i know what they haven’t done for students. what i do now is attempt to lead, only right now i suck at it. and i frustrate my boss because i don’t some things right away – i need practice at converting time, and calculating hours into contact hours, and so many other things. the reports, the bills to turn in, the schedule to configure, the subs to hire, and then there are 10million interruptions.
i want a time machine. i don’t care what i know. i miss students.

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08/05/2017

first question is How did it become August already?
second question is Is anyone out there having issues with their tomatoes?
third question is How long until the first frost?
worked in the garden. trimmed two major branches off the forsythia. picked small tomatoes. watered pots. filled the bird feeder. cooked breakfast. pondered the blue sky and serious white clouds. cleaned some. moved some indoor plants in the sunroom.
BUT inside i seriously want to run away from life. to go somewhere away, far away from drama and work and people that don’t care. that is what is inside of me today.
fourth question is What would I do if I ran away?
oh my… i have the answer to that one: read, write, garden, can all my food, crochet, sew, create gifts, preserve my herbs, bake, some how figure out how to do without. and love on the people that would be around me because you really cannot get away from people unless you are a hermit. and we do need each other. for Fellowship of the Lord is not about ‘I’ but about ‘US’. and in the US is Him and Me and You.
going to a wedding later… glorious day for a wedding.


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60 is nifty.

today is my love’s birthday. he is 60. and i actually surprised him with a night away last night to the Inn at Honey Run. we got a honeycomb room…. with a patio and butterflies and sheep grazing in the pasture. and a four course dinner.  if you haven’t been you really really should go. and i cannot tell you what else.. but it was so much fun! and we slept in until 800am!!!!!  8:00a.m.  like wow.  i also got us breakfast delivered at 9:00am…. it is called Romance at Daybreak. it was almost as delish as dinner was. then we hiked the new Outdoor Air Art Museum trail. gorgeous. wonderful day!!!


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oh how i need Thee

and my soul cries out to Thee
in anguish and fear and pain
i want to know WHY
i want to know what is Your plan for my child
i cannot bear silence as she packs up and moves across an ocean because of her hurt and pain and the lies of the evil one and the arrows flung into her heart
i cannot bear this… please do not make me bear this Lord
WHY
WHY
to what end
i know it is her life
i know these are her choices
but the ripples of choices
the effect of choices
oh Lord how i need Thee


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other thoughts

so, i am sitting here thinking of my oldest. she is back to being a single woman. and i ache for her. for her heart. for her thoughts in her head. for what she thought would be happening at this time of her life and the regrets she has. i don’t want her to have regrets. every choice she made was hers and there was something to learn from it. i watched the choices in her life, i wanted to say something, but i did not.
to let go. that is the lesson in having children. to let them go and let them make those choices on their own. but the entire time we are on our knees praying for Heavenly intervention. praying for the soul to awaken the mind and change the journey. and there are tears in the night for what they have chosen. but i said nothing. i keep praying.
motherhood doesn’t stop. ever. each day and each night i am praying. for my three. no longer little, no more reading books at night, no more tents in the attic. but in my heart i cradle each one of them.


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life lessons and mistakes

oh, earthly life, so difficult and yet so lovely. beautiful one moment and then excruciatingly painful. so praying for wiser choices, but my gut tells me that a major change is coming and i will have to sit back and pray more. i start out thinking of myself and fearing how it will affect me – in the end i pray for my child, that they will choose wisely and think of how their decision affects others and that i will not take their choices personally. i want o ask God why? and what? what am i supposed to learn from this? and why? why must i watch this?? i want to turn the clock back and have a DO OVER. why can’t i have a do over?????
the garden is in!!!  tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, brussel sprouts, snow peas, herbs, marigolds. now if i can just keep the birds out of it!!!! always looking for worms. we have a robin’s nest in our shed, 3 babies. but we think one has died. poor wee thing. and there is a baby bunny with parents in the yard. just so it stays out of my carrots and lettuces.
then there is work. i am still unsure of my new job. it is overwhelming, all consuming, time wasting, and extremely stressful. i cannot believe the nature of people – they are selfish and mean. they care not about the purpose of the job, but only what will they get out of it, if they do something will they get paid, the list goes on. i find them deplorable and very very sad. unfortunately instead of acting like adults, they act like spoiled rich 5 year olds.  and here, too, i wonder what i am supposed to learn, what am i doing for the kingdom in this position, how can i be Jesus??


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a teachable heart

the first5 app is great… and every weekend there is the weekly video to wrap up what the week has been about…these past weeks have been on King David. what a guy. but over and over he repents, he confesses, he prays, and he knows the Lord is his King – because David has a teachable heart. so i pray that now – in my job, my friends, my family, with each contact i make, with every thing i do – Lord give me a teachable heart. hold my tongue, quell my anger and my selfishness, what ever You have for the next part of this journey help me to seek You.