brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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do i have to have a title?

because right now I cannot think of one.
because work is OMG what is up with people?
and every day it is emails, phone calls, putting out fires.
#2020goaway
because there has never been a year like this one in all of our lives.
so i thought about the Old Testament believers.
i mean, 40 years in a desert?
and Moses and the Red Sea.
and a Garden so perfect that we screwed it all up.
and i go back to the Word. His Word. my life.
we all need to do that. to look at each day and Welcome the day in Him.
and be thankful and grateful for our day to do what He wants us to do.
in my job. in my friendships. in my phone conversations.
and not think about the cannots or the did nots or the what ifs.
my life.
it is ordinary. it is nothing special.
but it is His. and i will take the ordinary and the mundane if i can do for the King what He wants me to do.


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choosing

my summer reading currently is Experiencing God with the Facebook group led by Mandisa, the book of John study with a sister in Christ, and then with all your heart by Christine Hoover with a sister in Texas and a group of women on zoom.
I am also reading Eat the Cookie by Taylor Kiser when it arrives tomorrow.
common theme I am seeing for 2020: life or death and obedience or sacrifice – the choice is mine.
Tied to these choices is the Word of the Lord, my relationship with God, and how I seek Jesus Christ with the Holy Spirit.
because out of my choices flows either God or me.
and so far what I read is I don’t want me. this isn’t about punishing myself, but understanding to give my heart, to confess my sins and to lay it all down to obey His Word equals life.
True Holy Life in Jesus.
so I am thinking deeply about all of my relationships, my job, my family.
i did this in therapy years ago when dealing with depression and childhood issues and the question Where was God in all of this? Why do people behave the way they do? What the heck was I thinking when I did ________?

and God is there. watching, hoping, leading, waiting.
so this summer i am working on continuing to choose life and obedience.
I am working on this in every area of my day and my night, of my coming and my going, of my waking and my sleeping.
what are you working on this summer? what will you do with the choices in front of you?
in light of what is going on in the world what choices can we make?
blessings. on the day. the week. the summer. the year.
God is there waiting on you. He wants you so badly to know Him.
Choose Life.


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mindless Friday

just another rainy day in Ohio. i think my yard is going to float away.
very hopeful tomorrow will be sunny. like real sunshine!!!
life happens even in a pandemic.
good and bad. happy and sad.
cancer. the Big C. Chemo. death. in two weeks a life has been radically turned around. and we watch and wait. do research. ask WHY?
WHY?
children making bad choices – like so bad it affects their ability to live.
and in that choice their parents and sibling watch and try.
but in trying there is the trap of enabling a behaviour that is destructive.
so how does one choose to help?
boundaries. and tough love. and saying NO.
and ask WHY???
much like our global pandemic.
people are saying No to a mask or social distancing.
but at what cost? do they understand how their choice affects others?
that when they touch someone or something they can make another person so ill they might die.
i ask WHY???
but yet God. God the Almighty. God the All knowing. God the All Loving.
God knows everything. and He never leaves us. and He wants the best for us.
so we pray and pray and pray. for a pandemic… for children and choices…. for a world in need of the Saviour, Jesus Christ.
our hearts are heavy. our minds are tired.
and there is no answer to the WHY?
only God. only Jesus. only the Holy Spirit.
only faith in the One that saved me.


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in the waiting

so. God has stopped the world. He knew about this virus. He knew the timeline.
He knew the consequences. He is a good Father. more perfect than we know.
because in His love for us He will use what appears to be evil and bad for His glory.
i don’t know how. i don’t know when. but i know that is what He does.
and i am waiting. trying to listen. to discern what is He trying to teach me.
i know the world has a lesson, but i am waiting on my lesson. each day i have numerous lessons to learn but this… this is BIG.
the whole world stopped. the economy. the schools. the businesses. the restaurants. everything.
except gas stations, grocery stores, hospitals, emergency services. essential companies or manufacturers.
and we are all working from home. if we can.
what Lord? what do You want us to know?
what do You want me to know and learn?
that You are in control.
that despite the economy tanking (or it appears to be tanking) You will care for our needs.
that You love us and sent Your only Son.
in our anxiety and despair and our need for control You are there.
watching, waiting, hoping for us to seek You out, to call on Your power, to thank You for your mercy and love.
thank you Father.


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it is Wednesday

so, now that you know what day of the week it is, how are you?
are you weary? are you scared? are you tired? are you alone?
this pandemic. the new words we all use now. life as it is.
I have talked to the elderly and the young, to my children, to my coworkers, to my sister, to my friends.
No one has any words for life as it is now.
So I get up each day – later than normal, shower, get dressed, drink my hot tea, and head to my office upstairs.
where I sit all day on my computer, or both of my computers.
my contacts dry out. I sit in zoom meetings with coworkers as we attempt to figure out the next steps.
but we cannot make any assumption except that things can change rapidly.
faster than ever thought.
because of a silent virus that lives for a long time. that infects someone and they have no symptoms. a virus that might have been created by man.

and we take one minute in each day. to discover that we are not in charge.
that no matter how much you attempt to micromanage anything, you can’t.
because this past Sunday, Easter Sunday, the Son of God rose from the dead and conquered death.
because God, His Father, is in charge of everything… except man’s free will.
choices. the choices we make. in life. with relationships. with ourselves.
God allows us to decide. and then He still chases us towards Him.
because of His love. His love for us. for you and me.
so…if this whole thing has you in despair or anxious or depressed – let Jesus into your heart. let Him know your thoughts. run to Him, let Him hold you, let Him comfort you in this stressful time.
i don’t know what each day will bring. i don’t if i or someone i love will get COVID19. i don’t know much. but i know that God my Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit are with me. and they can be with you. I am NOT alone. and neither are you.
so blessings… be thankful for each day. for each breath. for each sunrise.


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dare I speak it outloud?

the frustration
the despair
the stress
the tiredness
the not understanding
the Why is it this way
the Who will help with this

life.
one day. one hour. one minute at a time.
this is about so many things that i cannot begin to list it all.
globally. locally. in my job. in my home. in my heart.

but yet. there is God.
eternal
everlasting
never failing
forgiving
merciful
graceful
joyful
peaceful

what is your But Yet ?


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life and its questions

i am deactivating facebook for Lent. it is a good thing. i get depressed when i get on social media sometimes. the weddings, the grandbabies, the vacations, the new furniture. i am better off not knowing how perfectly perfect everyone’s life seems to be. because mine isn’t. never has been, never will be. my reality is mine and it is relatively imperfect. that is not a bad thing either. because without the imperfection of my life, i would not have seen Jesus in each moment.
so, i ask questions of God my Father… and i wait for the answer. but i know the answer most of the time. it is because He is good, all knowing, and wise. His heart is set on the best of intentions for me. living on this side of Heaven, i ponder how to live each day one at a time. some days i am better at it than others.

Joshua 23: 14
know this with all your heart, with everything in you, that not one detail has failed of all the good things God has promised you it has all happened, nothing left undone not so much as a word.    The Message


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he died of depression…

but it won’t be on his death certificate. I am a former hospice nurse and I know…. my client had cancer but the death certificate said pneumonia or CHF or whatever. Robin Williams died of depression.
i dealt with depression for two years. it was precipitated by several events in my life. i ended up seeing a counselor for those two years and was on antidepressants for one year. Mental health issues are not easily resolved, sometimes never. for me, i had great help so that i wasn’t swallowed by the darkness of the pit i was in for a while.
we hide our mental health, so much so that when someone famous decides to end their life because the pit has swallowed them, we are shocked.
i am saddened that so many people in the world are scared to discuss what is really happening in their mind. that they fear losing friends and family and jobs. that to admit to mental health issues is in itself a death sentence sometimes. i had an older cousin that committed suicide. she had numerous attempts, was rescued, but eventually she freed herself of whatever was in her mind by ending her life.
life is precious. life is valuable. the decision to end a life is a personal choice that unless we can see the darkness we will not understand it. i am hoping we can have compassion for those around us living in a pit and do what ever we can to help them out.


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Last Semester

The last semester of graduate school…. and I am wondering about my choices.  Very concerned about getting a job at the college level and if I do it will involve a major cut in finances.  I know ~ the Lord is in charge, He wants me to be steadfast in Him, but this side of Heaven is very difficult.
I question my current job – what good am I as an instructor if they won’t take responsibility for their actions?  Their lack of study, lack of listening, unwillingness to take notes or be accountable?  If I do teach college will the students there be the same?  Only wanting to be spoon fed the information, not willing to search for an answer or do the hard work?  The state expects teachers to be wizards – somehow get the student to study, test well, be responsible despite their  home life, their personal choices, all the things I have no control over.
There is much to be done over the next 16 weeks… so off I go!!!