brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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life and its questions

i am deactivating facebook for Lent. it is a good thing. i get depressed when i get on social media sometimes. the weddings, the grandbabies, the vacations, the new furniture. i am better off not knowing how perfectly perfect everyone’s life seems to be. because mine isn’t. never has been, never will be. my reality is mine and it is relatively imperfect. that is not a bad thing either. because without the imperfection of my life, i would not have seen Jesus in each moment.
so, i ask questions of God my Father… and i wait for the answer. but i know the answer most of the time. it is because He is good, all knowing, and wise. His heart is set on the best of intentions for me. living on this side of Heaven, i ponder how to live each day one at a time. some days i am better at it than others.

Joshua 23: 14
know this with all your heart, with everything in you, that not one detail has failed of all the good things God has promised you it has all happened, nothing left undone not so much as a word.    The Message

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he died of depression…

but it won’t be on his death certificate. I am a former hospice nurse and I know…. my client had cancer but the death certificate said pneumonia or CHF or whatever. Robin Williams died of depression.
i dealt with depression for two years. it was precipitated by several events in my life. i ended up seeing a counselor for those two years and was on antidepressants for one year. Mental health issues are not easily resolved, sometimes never. for me, i had great help so that i wasn’t swallowed by the darkness of the pit i was in for a while.
we hide our mental health, so much so that when someone famous decides to end their life because the pit has swallowed them, we are shocked.
i am saddened that so many people in the world are scared to discuss what is really happening in their mind. that they fear losing friends and family and jobs. that to admit to mental health issues is in itself a death sentence sometimes. i had an older cousin that committed suicide. she had numerous attempts, was rescued, but eventually she freed herself of whatever was in her mind by ending her life.
life is precious. life is valuable. the decision to end a life is a personal choice that unless we can see the darkness we will not understand it. i am hoping we can have compassion for those around us living in a pit and do what ever we can to help them out.


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Last Semester

The last semester of graduate school…. and I am wondering about my choices.  Very concerned about getting a job at the college level and if I do it will involve a major cut in finances.  I know ~ the Lord is in charge, He wants me to be steadfast in Him, but this side of Heaven is very difficult.
I question my current job – what good am I as an instructor if they won’t take responsibility for their actions?  Their lack of study, lack of listening, unwillingness to take notes or be accountable?  If I do teach college will the students there be the same?  Only wanting to be spoon fed the information, not willing to search for an answer or do the hard work?  The state expects teachers to be wizards – somehow get the student to study, test well, be responsible despite their  home life, their personal choices, all the things I have no control over.
There is much to be done over the next 16 weeks… so off I go!!!