life as it is seen from my heart and soul


different kind of summer.

Summer has begun. Officially.
only there is stuff. there is always stuff. i hate stuff.
the weather here has not been cooperative for our farmers. I live in a farming community – and let me tell you it is a rough summer. Wet. Wet. More WET.
the corn and soy crops were at least 6 weeks behind in getting planted.
then they got planted and were up maybe 3 to 4 inches. and then….
more rain. and more rain. and more rain.
the fields were under water.
so, there are farmers that didn’t plant anything taking the insurance money.
and there are farmers that planted and now are at a huge loss.
we already will have no Ohio peaches because of the winter/spring weather.
now there will be no corn for animals for next winter and no corn for people in the fall.
what does a farmer do when this happens? how do they survive? what do they do to pay their bills? what happens to fields laying fallow for a whole year?

and next up is church. my Samwise is a pastor of a small church.
what the heck is wrong with people? like they want to go back to worship the way it was in 1957!!
i mean really – lets just kill the church now.
because it is all about them. forget the neighborhood – the people raising their grandchildren that could use help.
or the people addicted to drugs and alcohol that come for AA and NA that can use our help.
or the children that need to hear about the love of Jesus.
oh noooo… they aren’t the ‘right’ people. they don’t dress like us. they don’t vote like us…
oh Lord… help me keep my mouth shut and pray for what they don’t ‘see’. for our hearts. for our church to be like Jesus no matter what.

then next would be my job. i have a job. it actually entails 2.5 jobs.
i am grateful for employment. it pays the bills. my student loans. my house payment. food. medical bills. you get the jest.
BUT what are you trying to teach me Lord in this job? it is wearing me out. it is draining. and depressing. when those around me work to cheat the system they are in. when they defend people that lie. when they don’t say anything when people actually steal in ways that aren’t easily proved.
how do i respond to this? how do i love in this?
how the heck can i be like Jesus to these people?

and don’t get me started on students.
what the heck is wrong with them?
they complain. and whine. and are extremely negative.
taking no responsibility for their learning. their education.
expecting it to be handed over to them.
don’t get me started. it isn’t pretty.

stuff. family. marriage. children. taxes. life.
but in it all is the realization that the Lord is in control. He is there in every moment.
i breathe because He says BREATHE.
i exist because His Holy Spirit fills me.
i know of Him because of His Son’s death for my life.
so i wait. and watch. and be silent. brain be still and watch for Him.

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OH…it is here… 2018. In all of its fireworks eating too much drinking too much staying up too late too much…. the world celebrated despite the cold. and now, it is quiet and reflective in snow & ice & cold for much of us.
I did not stay up late, drink too much, eat too much or see any fireworks. My Samwise and I headed south… Atlanta. Drove the 9.5 hours… dined at Anticos for pizza then had gelato, then went to bed. Atlanta. Because then we got up, drove downtown and did the Passion2018 conference. Year number 4. to serve as Doorholders to 20,000 college students. to see Jesus in action, to watch the Holy Spirit moving, and to know that God, my Father, is chasing after them with wild passion.
I am still processing, thinking, feeling, wondering. If only I could describe the music reverberating the arena, the singing of praise to King Jesus, the hands and arms open in worship, the prayers uplifted to the Holy One. what a privilege, what a hushed honour, what a blessing to this old lady. and in the end we witness Hope, Faith, Justice, Mercy in Jesus.
there are other images as well from our journey. The little man sleeping on the sidewalk in the entrance to a bank, huddled in his coat, hat, gloves, blanket. The people walking in the brutal cold with their possessions in plastic bags. The hands and eyes of those looking back at me… I wonder why is that not me? how did this happen? what choices did they make to end here? what lies of the evil one did they believe that led them here? why can’t we do something about this?
and in the end on the last day in the last hour there was a young woman asking for prayer. and because there was only me I said yes and heard her heart cry out to God her Father for wisdom grace forgiveness clarity mercy …. for everything a Daughter of the Risen King living in the enemy’s land needs to survive the attack on her heart. her tears falling as her words poured out to Him. and i wondered Why… why Lord did You send her my way? I prayed and listened. and prayed more. I am trusting the Father that He will do what needs done in her life, and am praying for the blood of Jesus to cover her in protection and grace. as for all the students that were there… that they take what they heard to heart and lean on Jesus and the power of His resurrection… in whatever comes their way.

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Last Semester

The last semester of graduate school…. and I am wondering about my choices.  Very concerned about getting a job at the college level and if I do it will involve a major cut in finances.  I know ~ the Lord is in charge, He wants me to be steadfast in Him, but this side of Heaven is very difficult.
I question my current job – what good am I as an instructor if they won’t take responsibility for their actions?  Their lack of study, lack of listening, unwillingness to take notes or be accountable?  If I do teach college will the students there be the same?  Only wanting to be spoon fed the information, not willing to search for an answer or do the hard work?  The state expects teachers to be wizards – somehow get the student to study, test well, be responsible despite their  home life, their personal choices, all the things I have no control over.
There is much to be done over the next 16 weeks… so off I go!!!

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It is the month of March already.  Here in Ohio it is the craziest weather of all.  This past week we had almost 60degree weather and today the wind chill is 22 and snowy blowy.  I am wondering what summer will be like.
And there are about 11 weeks of the school year left.  I am rather tired of high school students.  Their lack of work, their whining, the fact that most of them do not read anything, do not study, do not put any effort into their education.  And sadder is the administration.  They have decided to install a coffee shop to sell coffee, donuts, cinnamon buns.  Yet the students cannot sell candy, beef jerky or any food item for fundraisers.  They are not allowed to have bake sales at school either.  (blame Michelle Obama) BUT they can put a coffee shop in.  I want to know the logic in this.
So I continue to pray for guidance and leading.  Who do I help? Who do I trust?  Which way does He want me to go?  I am hoping that He sends me elsewhere soon.

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To be undone

First week back at the job of teaching.  But this week has been horrific in the classroom.  How does one teach and instruct students that have never been held accountable for their actions?  For students that have been enabled by lying and thieving in word and deed?  This past week showed me the work of the evil one in my classroom – to take students that I have helped, counseled with, prayed for, expected more of than they thought possible within themselves – and turned them into someone I do not know.  That they would lie about what has been said in front of others, lie about how they are treated, that they do not admit their choices and accept the consequences of their actions.  It has been amazing to see it all unfold.  How parents come the ‘rescue’ of their child that is being treated ‘unfairly’.   They do not see how their child behaves, hear what they say under their breathe loud enough for all to hear, or how they treat other peers and students.  Someone said they are the meanest of mean girls, the bullies in make up and high  heels.  How true.
I feel sorry for the students and the parents.  Neither will admit the mistakes they have made in giving them everything they want, allowing the student to rule the home, and enabling them to do wrong.  I also feel for the other students in the class that have been witness to the actions of their peers.  To see the self centeredness, to hear the hate spewing from their mouths.  It has been a lesson for all of us within the four walls.
So I continue to work ‘at it’.  To choose to see the good within the four walls, but I wonder what He is doing sometimes.  What am I to learn from this?  Where did I go wrong?  Did I care too much, give too much, try to hold them responsible too much?  Should I become one of the horrible teachers we all see that arrive at 8 and leave at 3, who do not assist their students with anything despite that they are the teacher?  That is not the answer, but if every year is like this in the 2nd semester, I will not stay long.  I will continue to plug away at this life, longing for what lies ahead – the High Country as Lewis says.