brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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dare we discuss it?

what we really think or feel or are experiencing in life or what is happening to people around us?
culture. politics. jobs. families. viruses. murder. stress on top of stress. ethnicity. gender.
and we are tired.
all of us.
i am.
exhausted. totally fried.
every day dealing with people and pressures and expectations and personal attacks.
stressed beyond stressed.
and there seems to be no end to this. none.
i am rereading A Wrinkle in Time. love this book.
about good versus evil. light versus darkness. having the sense to stop and listen and wait.
what ever is going on it is about our reaction to it all.
i have to kick myself when i get in to the ‘OMG what are they doing to me?!” mode.
because each human being is made in God’s image ~ that image of the Holy Trinity.
and each of us is dealing with so very much.
so step back. stop. and breathe.
and remind yourself that as a believer in Jesus Christ we have His power and His Spirit to fill us, enfold us, protect us.

but just so you know ~ every once in a while i do scream into my pillow or sit on the toilet and have a good cry.


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the trick of time

oh daylight savings time ~ you cruel trick of time.
it might be lighter this evening but my mind will not think it the time it is.
and it will still be dark as i drive to work every morning.
there are many Cons of daylight savings time and few Pros.
so what is it about Time?
Lewis writes about Time in Mere Christianity and it makes me think.
really really think about the Presence of God in Time.
what is Time to God? is He not the Creator of Time?
was the Creation of Time for His purpose or mine?
the rhythm of Time and day & night.
the moon and the sun.
Lewis asks does God fit too many things into one moment of Time?
He writes the following: “Almost certainly God is not in Time. His life does not consist of moments following one another. If a million people are praying to Him at ten-thirty tonight, He need not listen to them all in that one little snippet which we call ten-thirty. Ten-thirty…is always the Present for Him.
so the Present in Time is always the Present for God.
Time is for me, not for God.
and my tiny pea-brain cannot comprehend this. how does this happen?
so does He see beginning and end at once?
oh my.
another thought from Lewis:
If you picture Time as a straight line along which we have to travel, then you must picture God as the whole page on which the line is drawn. We come to the parts of the line one by one: we have to leave A behind before we get to B, and cannot reach C until we leave B behind. God, from above or outside or all round, contains the whole line, and sees it all.”
so. Time is irrelevant to Jesus. but what does that mean for me?
my days are numbered. my Earthly days.
does Christ see it that way? does the Trinity move in and out of Time?
do i use my Time wisely here on Earth?
back to Light and Dark and now Time.
God sees it all. ALL.
and He is IN ALL.
so no matter the Dark, the Light, the Time my Father God is with me.
and in that, i will do my best. will you do yours?????


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the dark and the Light

reading some John and 1st John.
the dark and the Light.
the lies and the Truth.
walking the gardens. the bulbs are popping through the garden.
but this is North Central Ohio. we are not done with the cold yet.
so my garlic stays covered.
but the hellebores are open. and the tiny crocus’ are up in the yard.
no rhubarb spikes yet. my fear last year was it was getting too old to come back.
the asparagus needs cleaned as do the grasses.
and in it all is Light. John reminds me of the hidden places in my heart that are dark.
really? i ask my self how do i think i can hide anything from Him?
He sees into my heart, my soul, the intricacies of my neurons.
so i confess. the darkness and ask for Light.
where in Ohio even in the cold dark seasons we have Light.
eternal Light. it warms my inner being no matter how cold the sun is.
so no matter what you face today. no matter how dark the dark.
you are not alone. the voices in your head lie to you.
listen to the one True Voice that wants you to live in grace and mercy and peace.
let Him shine His Light of love into you. everywhere. piercing your darkness.
and become His Daughter, graced in His Love.
blessings dear sisters in Christ!


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hope and despair

if you haven’t read this yet, you should.
Lord of the Rings
it is about the 20th anniversary of the Peter Jackson movies.
i am sitting here drinking my citrus-lavender tea. it is cold here in Ohio.
and i re-read my last post.
what kind of faith do i have? oh my.
this life is not about despair, but about hope.
REAL HOPE. IN THE GOD OF CREATION.
and the allegories that i read when i was younger.
Aslan, Gandalf the White, the Chief Shepherd for Much Afraid.
their job is HOPE in a time of Despair.
to us little minions and gnomes and sheep and hobbits.
their job is LIGHT in a time of Darkness.
and in the last week we might think the end, the BIG END, is truly near.
so be ready… every day.
and we need to be more like Jesus.
i keep saying this. over and over and over.
be kind. be gentle. be loving. be faithful. be generous.
oh wait. there is a pandemic. and the culture is crashing. and my America is falling apart.
yes. yes it is. and yes there is. and I am sure in 2021 there is going to be much more to despair over.
but we won’t. because this, this earth. this planet.
this terra is NOT my permanent home as a believer in Jesus.
i am a citizen of Heaven in an earthly body stuck in gravity.
i do love my garden. and my kitchen.
but wait… in Heaven i want to garden and bake for the King Himself.
and the colours. in Lewis’s book about Heaven and getting there, he says the colours are like nothing we have seen.
so while i am waiting for my real home, His home, i will try my hardest and bestest to remember HOPE. LIGHT. MERCY. GRACE.
what will you do????


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current struggles

this is not your 2021 post. i don’t do those.
this is the current What i am dealing with in my mind post.
it will be raw. it will be real. and it is me.
this life. on Planet Earth.
the struggle of living between the already and the not yet.
to know that my heart belongs to my Saviour but my mind fights this allegiance.
reaching, grasping for explanation to events that have recently occurred.
to understand the behaviours of people that are supposed to care because they are ‘family’
trying to decipher what is it that my Lord wants me to do.
like do i really have to be nice to everyone? even when i am trampled on?
i scroll thru IG and everyone still appears perfect even in their ‘not perfect’ pics.
i see love and caring and giving and something that i cannot give a word to.
our conversations in the past have been do we expect too much from other people?
or we ask do we give too much to others, so much so, that the disappointment of relationships leaves a cavity in our lives?
am i expecting others to replace the One that fills my heart?
i have been through this before. it took two years of therapy and antidepressants to understand that my need of people is not truly a need.
and yet, here i am again. wanting to run away. to hide from work, family, friends, life in general.
why. why must i be the responsible adult? why do i hold myself accountable for everything?
every. little. thing.
is this dark cloud in my mind a result of the 2020 Pandemic that is holding all of us hostage?
why does the past creep into my brain and force me to relive events that aren’t worth reliving?
i am grateful that my children are grown, because then my energy is not spent at the end of the day with nothing left for them.
i am grateful for working remotely, because then i do not have to fake what i might truly want to say to my colleagues.
i would rather the narrative of my life not be intertwined in others, but just Him.
and yet, that is not my calling as a Follower of Jesus.
so in the end i fail Him as well.
and in the failing there is my Chief Shepherd looking for me. the one that is lost.
right now i am a little lost. but i know He is with me.


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June.

Is it here? Is it almost summer?
it is June. June, Glorious June.
everything in my garden is up ~ green beans, heirloom tomato seeds, yellow squash, paste tomatoes, cutting tomatoes, snow peas, little yellow plum tomatoes, yellow and orange peppers, and lettuces.
i also planted more mint, rosemary, greek oregano, and lots of basil.
annuals this year are marigolds, sunflowers, celeosia, impatiens, petunias, and some ornamental vines.
BUT… the farmers here. Pray for the farmers. Ohio corn is normally ‘knee high by the 4th of July’ but not this year due to the rains. this year they are at least 5 weeks behind planting. there are some fields that aren’t planted yet. and then the fields with corn it looks like the plants are maybe 6″ high.
and there are no peaches here in Ohio… so pray for the fruit farmers as well. i am hopeful for the apple crops.
my red raspberry bushes are growing! and the elderberry bushes are doing well. the asparagus did well in April and May, but we are done cutting and letting it grow and feed the roots.
there is probably another cutting from the rhubarb. i have made one berry rhubarb crumble. pie is next!
and life goes on. work goes on. each day goes on. and i wonder what God thinks. we are doing Daniel in church for a sermon series and wow… humanity hasn’t changed one bit. i wonder what would happen if someone changed into a wild animal because they were to self centered and did not do what God asked them to? what would people think or say?
so i keep praying for me, my heart, my tongue, my thoughts, how i treat others. to be the Light. what are you praying for?


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last Friday of 2017 !

It really is the last Friday night of 2017… and today a 28 year old was buried due to opioid addiction. How does one celebrate the new year when their child has died? How do you get up in the morning? How do you eat without getting sick at the thought of never seeing your child again? in the depths of the swallowing consuming darkness God is there. His Son, the Babe just celebrated, took on this darkness and brought Light in to it. Jesus, Emmanuel ~ God with Us… is present in every nano second, every tear, every wound, every heart break. God’s heart was broken and He gave us Light and Life.  the scars of His beatings, His hanging on the Cross, the brutality we cannot imagine give God an understanding of our despair, our darkness, our life.
May these parents find strength and Light in the Holy One. to survive and tell the story of what He has done for them in their loss.