life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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it is here

the day she leaves.
she is upstairs rushing around like a crazy girl.
weighing her suitcases every 10 minutes.
packing. unpacking. checking to see does she have all the ‘important’ items.
shipping is difficult as the post does not cooperate with packages in her new home town. so she worries about what to have me mail.
the washing machine is going with some last items to pack.
and i sit here and listen.
i want to stop time. to go back. to play in the attic again. to read bedtime stories again. to play on the swingset. to watch her dig in the garden with chubby little hands. to hear her tiny giggles.
oh so many things in my mind. and my heart.
keep her safe Lord.
keep her well Lord.
keep her mind on You, Lord.
let her love well, Lord.
let her not be afraid, Lord.
be with her in her comings and goings Lord.
let her know she is Yours, Lord.

i am going to watch her walk through security at the airport.
i am going to pray for the best for the rest of her life.
i am going to love her until i die.
oh Lord, i need Your strength today to watch her go into her future.

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waiting 3 months

she has been waiting three months. to be with her husband and now it is almost here.
how does one be sad and happy at the same time?
they got married November 15th and then it began. the wait for the paperwork.
the name change on all the forms.
the trip to Chicago to the French Consulate to turn in more paperwork.
the First Christmas and First New Year’s without him.
quiet tears alone in her room.
and now… 7 days. she will be on the plane with two suitcases leaving the rest behind.
off to be with him… in Paris the City of Lights.
for the new journey as his partner for the rest of her life.
and I want to cry for happiness for her. but with a tinge of momness – that thought that she will never be in her bedroom again, baking in my kitchen again, laughing at the dinner table again, and so many other things.
that sense that she will visit, but it will never be permanent because this is not her home. her home is where her heart is and that is with him.
and he loves her. cares for her. wants the best for her.
so i have to let her go… as i have done so many many times… only now this is the last time. this is the very last time.
and i know this is what we raise our children for – that God only us a certain amount of time with them and raise them to be His.
no one told me how hard this would be. how much it hurts.
but she cannot stay. to stay would kill her spirit and purpose.
so off she will go… and i will cry and pray and be happy all at one time.

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oh my heart. it might break. we picked up our eldest, Sarah, at the airport last night. she flew in from Paris, France. her heart is there, as well as a young man that I believe loves her as much as she loves him. we knew when she went abroad in her senior year of high school that she might end up there permanently. the road has not been easy for her based on her choices, but she knows this and moves on.
so now I think ~ this may be her last Christmas here. this may be her last birthday here. i am thinking in terms of ‘lasts’ for here. and my heart may break. i do want so badly to say ‘please stay’ but that would be entirely selfish of me. and i have faith that God is in charge of ALL of life. and His plans are wiser than mine. but that doesn’t mean it is easy to really really really let go.
this isn’t like when she was walking and let go of my fingers. or on her bike and took off down the road without anyone holding on to the seat. this is it. letting go. and being happy for her.
but I still want to cry.