life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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it is Christmas

the holiday season is upon us. ChristMass. to celebrate the Child born to save the world from sin and death.
and in this season there is pain and grief and sorrow. loss.
so can we be like Mary, the mother of Jesus?
to celebrate His birth and rejoice in knowing what He will do for us?
despite the fear and pain and sorrow that is coming, we will choose JOY.
because we have the Gift. His Love. His Mercy. His Grace.
He loves me. No matter what. and I cannot repay that at all.

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Joy and Sorrow

this is going to be a happy and sad posting.
because that is what is in my heart and going on.
my eldest got married last Friday. oh what a whirlwind.
and in March I will put her on a plane and she will move to Paris, France permanently. and I will still find joy because it is her joy.
her husband is from France and to get married there is a nightmare.
so they got married here in the states.
and he loves her so very very much.
and his mum is adorable and loves her so very very much.
and I will let her go…. because that is what a parent does.
no matter what.

so at work this week i have had to deal with student issues that have broken my heart. to tears.
what does one say when there is a student in your office and her significant other has killed themselves? there are no words to console her. no words to ease her pain as she sits there with no emotion on her face. none.
and the next day is a student with such issues and dysfunction in her life she is barely hanging on by a thread. there is so much need in her life.

and i do what i can. and when they leave i cry because of what i see and hear.
and i pray to the Lord to help me know what to do.

i went to the funeral home tonight.
there was no body.
a mob of people there. but the sadness in the air. and the student being consoled by her friends.
how does one recover from a suicide? how?

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life. it is shorter than we know.

oh life. i love you. the sunrise. the sunset. the green. the blue. the purple.
and food. i love food. who couldn’t like food?
earth, i love you. how is it you know? flowers. pizza. red peppers. green broccoli. yellow daisies. purple echinacea. dark chocolate. my little kia.
and beaches with fine sand. and dark soil with big fat worms. and the sounds. waves. birds singing. breezes moving.
oh life. joy. sadness. children. letting go. leaving. learning. heart wrenching.
and the end of days. learning lessons tonight in word and action and tears.
of a man fighting the evil one that is beating his physical body but not his soul. of a woman who keeps going no matter what the world hands her. what do i know? very little. i have wasted my days and squandered my words. what have i done with my time? at the end of my days what will happen?
oh life. infused with the Spirit of the Lord… help me to see and be You.

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oh my heart. it might break. we picked up our eldest, Sarah, at the airport last night. she flew in from Paris, France. her heart is there, as well as a young man that I believe loves her as much as she loves him. we knew when she went abroad in her senior year of high school that she might end up there permanently. the road has not been easy for her based on her choices, but she knows this and moves on.
so now I think ~ this may be her last Christmas here. this may be her last birthday here. i am thinking in terms of ‘lasts’ for here. and my heart may break. i do want so badly to say ‘please stay’ but that would be entirely selfish of me. and i have faith that God is in charge of ALL of life. and His plans are wiser than mine. but that doesn’t mean it is easy to really really really let go.
this isn’t like when she was walking and let go of my fingers. or on her bike and took off down the road without anyone holding on to the seat. this is it. letting go. and being happy for her.
but I still want to cry.