life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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the journey of days

how many days to the end of life? your life? my life?
morbid? not really. as a former hospice nurse i have seen all types of death.
because as humans we will die a physical death.
at the holidays i observed some of the worst deaths. and some of the best.
i pray i die well. to be at peace with the Saviour of my soul.
to know i did my best on this planet that is not really my home.
that the regrets i have will be forgiven by those left behind.
and that whom ever knew me saw Jesus in me.
that i loved each person well despite what they believed about God or thought of me.
yesterday was Thanksgiving here in America.
but each day is thanksgiving. for so many things i cannot list them all. BUT….
today. i woke up. i have a spouse of 42 years that has loved me most well.
i have saving Grace and Mercy since i was 16. and despite my stupidity, God loves me more than i know.
i have food, a home, three children and a son-in-law that loves my eldest daughter.
my garden feeds my home and family and friends.
i am without nothing. nothing. i have Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, Freedom to go anywhere.
and so i am grateful and thankful each day.
there is soup simmering for church for tomorrow.
the music of Christmas that i love so well is playing.
i cry for the past that has come and gone – the memories that flood my heart bring the tears. such joy.
but today is present. and i hope you are well.
blessings on your day. and the holidays that might have joy or grief.
and no matter how many days any of us have left, we use them well.

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oh the promise of a blizzard!

… only because i am praying for one!!!
what? pray for a blizzard? oh yessssss.
i survived the blizzard of 1978 when most of you were twinkles.
and now i do want another one.
to stay home for five whole days. to hunker down in blankets with my love.
to bake breads and cookies and breathe in home. home. my home.
to tend to other things rather than work.
so every year now i ask Jesus for a blizzard. and every year He says no.
maybe He is planning one and teaching me patience.
this may take a while then.
but if i get one!!! oh Jesus!!!
i can read and write and paint and sew and crochet and maybe ~
just sit on the couch in the quiet and wait. and listen.
because snow makes noise. a beautiful soft crunchy noise.
or to go out in the garden and breathe in the cold and smell winter.
so. if you feel up to it, ask Jesus for a blizzard for me.
i know He has many other more important things to do.
but if my purpose is to be Holy i would like to be Holy in a blizzard.

there is so much more to say. so much about my little world.
but in the end it is all about people. and relationships.
work. family. friends. true friends in Christ.
culture, noise, politics, choices, money, food, air, water.
who will i care for? who can i help?
how much of myself will i give?
will i compromise my faith for culture? for political correctness?
will i abandon what i believe in to be accepted?
the numerous thoughts in my head that i don’t get on paper.
the 2am thoughts of my children. my faults.
my “if onlys”.
so …. maybe some day i will put them all here.
but not today.
today there is a roast in the oven cooking in cognac and red wine with garlic & leeks & carrots & onions & celery & butter & olive oil.
and there will be red mashed potatoes. and maybe a salad.
and there will be quiet.
blessings on your Shabbot. may you know the peace and joy of Christ in your hearts.

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do not despair

… for the Lord is with you.
i cling to this. every day.
so that my brain doesn’t wander into darkness.
for He is God and I am not.
i pound this into my heart. He is God.
His soul purpose is Love. for me. for you. for all of Creation.
this world. this planet. these animals. they will perish.
but Jesus bought me with the price of His blood.
He will return to this horribly sad planet.
to take us Home. His home. THE home.
but for now.
no matter the politics.
no matter the masks.
no matter what you think.
we are here together under His stars.
so think of others. put others first.
and do not despair.
because the Lord of the Heavens is with you.
no matter how dark it seems. you are Loved by the Creator of Love.

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not sure

what to write.
because what I want to say I can’t say.
and life isn’t anything of what it is supposed to be like.
but every day I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, and do it all over again.
every day. no matter what. no matter how I am treated.
i would have liked that the time spent at home in quarantine I could have done whatever I wanted.
but nope. that didn’t happen. i worked 7am to 530 pm every day on the computer and phone. 5 days a week.
55 hours a week. every week.
and people would look at me and say How is working from home?
and I cannot explain it. it is tiring. it is boring. it is constant work, no interruptions.
and it has continued into the summer.
and I don’t see it letting up.
so remain flexible. remain positive. remain honest.
no compromise.

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Little Women and such things

oh my. it is the 1994 version of Little Women, the best one ever produced no matter what anyone says. I miss my little women watching this and saying the lines and crying in all the places to cry in. and knowing the importance of the message of the movie and the book. and now it is snowing, a completely changed weather forecast from this morning.
such things. too many things in my heart. the pain of truly letting go. the sorrow of a life not well spent. the regret of what i could have done but did not do.
and each day marches onward. into the months and the year. time passes but it is but a blink. because future is not here, but in the majesty and colours of Heaven. my heart aches for the days of before, but yearns for what it might be like to be in the house of Heaven. i will gladly work in His kitchen or care for His gardens. that all that i love on earth is nothing compared to this.

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1st day of Spring

Tomorrow. First day of Spring. But here in north central Ohio there is snow in the forecast. Typical. So I will wait and hope and know that the warm days are coming. My garden will wait. The clematis will get trimmed. The elderberries will get planted. The asparagus will be back with the rhubarb.
in the mean time there is Easter. the day that Jesus is Risen!! and my sin that put Him on the cross is forgiven. I am struggling with work right now and with people. The evil one is traipsing through my building reeking havoc but I am praying fervently. My Jesus is in control.
and the church… what to do about the church? or the people in the church? that do not understand church is for all of us and if we don’t spread the Word ~ leaving the 99 behind and going after the 1 or the 100, there will be no church. It isn’t about money or stuff or the building it is about the saving grace of Jesus.
so, we pray and wait. not patiently, but we wait. at my job, at my church, at home.

go see this.. it’s Friday, but Sunday’s coming.

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days and nights

It is ‘spring break’ at my job, but it doesn’t feel like Spring. Snow and cold winds for the last two days and today is grey and gloomy,  with snow spitting mixed with rain. I will work some over break at the office. I get so much more accomplished with no students there and most of the faculty gone. I am reading the She Reads Truth Lenten study with my Sarah for Easter preparation. If you haven’t read any of their blog, you should. The other study that has been thought provoking is from First 5. It is an app and is wonderful for being able to read anywhere.
My Sarah is coming home tomorrow and will be here until Wednesday morning. I am excited!!!  She wants to go to West Side Market on Monday, so we will get up early and head north to eat breakfast there and be foodies. Hoping to find some lamb for Easter and something good for dinner. Tuesday the plan is to head to Kidron and shop at Lehman’s. We will also head to quilt stores, material stores, and lunch. Excited for the days we will spend together. When she heads home on Wednesday I will head to work.
Hope your weekend is a good one! Blessings!!

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11 days.

to the birth of the Saviour!!  and to family being home.  I do not care about presents but having the children home and around the table, the promise of the future laughing and talking and planning and being with each other.  the Lord blessing me with their laughter, the sleeping faces, knowing we are family no matter what.  I miss those little faces and fingers and toes and cheeks and snotty noses ~ how time flies.
my days are a little less stressed right now….. but I am looking into the LAST SEMESTER OF GRAD SCHOOL.  it will not be easy, clinical hours with 3 classes and papers galore.  and by God’s grace I can do this.  who would have guessed?  not me, never me.  thankfully God knows all and i am hopeful to obey.
may you be safe today if it is snowing like it is outside my windows.  be warm, know you are Loved with eternal Love that never dies.

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What is this???

~ the weather! how crazy is this????  it is so very warm and sunny and gorgeous!! will try to get the garden all put to rest.
~ the job.  can’t say enough…. i need out.  but there is a reason so I am thankful in the midst of trial and craziness.  I am blessed to be working so I cannot complain at all.
~ life….. there is so much to say, but not enough time.  I just pray I am doing what I am supposed to be doing for the Lord.