life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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the Sower and the Seed

in the last two weeks i have heard the parable of the Sower and the Seed three times.
so that makes me stop to say What is it Lord that You are saying to me? What am i to learn from this Parable right now?
the weekend with Revive Our Hearts Grounded conference is the first time, then over the radio and now at the DYM100 2021 last week in California.
it isn’t about the Sower, it isn’t about the Seed, it is about the Soil. as a gardener that doesn’t use any chemicals, i know a few things about the Soil. actually, i love the soil in my garden. it is loaded with compost, rotted straw, leaves and grass clippings. my Soil is the most valuable part of my garden. if my Soil is bad, then i have no garden or i will lose everything i plant. one year, because of heavy spring rains for several weeks, i lost all my tomatoes to fungus. no fresh tomatoes that summer except for what i bought from the Amish.
so back to the Soil. the Soil is the heart of each person. four types. hard, stony, thorny and good soils. what is it about the Soil? in my mind it is what we feed the Soil, or not feed it. thinking about the Soil this way helps me to ask What am i doing for my heart? am i feeding my Soil? it also makes me to stop to consider those around me – what has been put into their soil? instead of questioning their motives, i now question their Soil. what has happened in their past to make them react they way they do? why do they treat others they way the do? is there something i can say or do to offset their hardness, their thorns, or their stones?
it amazes me how people react, what they say or do in situations of distress or chaos. and it makes me think about how i have acted in the past. how have i listened to others? to Jesus?
what will i do? i am working on feeding my Soil with the Word and study of Christ.
to choose to seek Him out.
to work hard to not choose culture or food or stuff.
to slowly work on helping others feed their Soil in Christ as well.
to pray. to remain calm. to stop and not speak, but to listen in all things.
what will you do?

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OH…it is here… 2018. In all of its fireworks eating too much drinking too much staying up too late too much…. the world celebrated despite the cold. and now, it is quiet and reflective in snow & ice & cold for much of us.
I did not stay up late, drink too much, eat too much or see any fireworks. My Samwise and I headed south… Atlanta. Drove the 9.5 hours… dined at Anticos for pizza then had gelato, then went to bed. Atlanta. Because then we got up, drove downtown and did the Passion2018 conference. Year number 4. to serve as Doorholders to 20,000 college students. to see Jesus in action, to watch the Holy Spirit moving, and to know that God, my Father, is chasing after them with wild passion.
I am still processing, thinking, feeling, wondering. If only I could describe the music reverberating the arena, the singing of praise to King Jesus, the hands and arms open in worship, the prayers uplifted to the Holy One. what a privilege, what a hushed honour, what a blessing to this old lady. and in the end we witness Hope, Faith, Justice, Mercy in Jesus.
there are other images as well from our journey. The little man sleeping on the sidewalk in the entrance to a bank, huddled in his coat, hat, gloves, blanket. The people walking in the brutal cold with their possessions in plastic bags. The hands and eyes of those looking back at me… I wonder why is that not me? how did this happen? what choices did they make to end here? what lies of the evil one did they believe that led them here? why can’t we do something about this?
and in the end on the last day in the last hour there was a young woman asking for prayer. and because there was only me I said yes and heard her heart cry out to God her Father for wisdom grace forgiveness clarity mercy …. for everything a Daughter of the Risen King living in the enemy’s land needs to survive the attack on her heart. her tears falling as her words poured out to Him. and i wondered Why… why Lord did You send her my way? I prayed and listened. and prayed more. I am trusting the Father that He will do what needs done in her life, and am praying for the blood of Jesus to cover her in protection and grace. as for all the students that were there… that they take what they heard to heart and lean on Jesus and the power of His resurrection… in whatever comes their way.

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there are days….

I want to crawl into bed and never get out.
Eat everything in sight.
Sew and crochet all day.
Read books and drink tea until my eyes hurt.
Hold a baby.
Tell people exactly what I think.
Run away from humanity.
but in the end the Lord of the Universe, the Son Jesus reminds me of my purpose and the Holy Spirit breathes a life of calm and grace into my weary soul. and i know. i just know. that He is here, leading guiding building loving caring weeping watching over me. Because I am His and He is mine. no matter what. no matter the dirt of my spirit, the soiled heart, the filthy rags i hide in… He has made me His.

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to be satisfied

oh this life.  it drags, it whines.
i cannot control anything in it and i am angry. and sad. and tired.
i want to run away.  i want a divorce.  i want to be alone. i want to be selfish.
i want to crawl under the sheets and never come out. screw the toilet. screw food.
i read other blogs and the women are perfect – they do it all, don’t complain, don’t screw up.
i spent a whole day this week saying in my mind ‘Thank you Lord’, no matter what happened.
it didn’t work.  i know… i know in my heart and in my mind.  BUT the pressure is incredible.
the bills, the grad school papers, the hours at work, the laundry, the bills, the lack of time to read Scripture, the hours and hours and hours of  doing.
i want to be out of here.  off the planet. and no more stress.  no more pressure. no more of people. people are the most frustrating of all.
and i am the worst of them.