brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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the crash and the Rescue

not a plane or a train or a car or a boat
but me.
online sitting in my office
the realization i am working four jobs at one time
and while my boss knows and cares
no one above us does. and IF they do they say nothing.
like not. one. word.
so i crashed. totally crashed and put it on social media.
and in that moment of being honest drama ~
i was Rescued.
completely wholly spiritually picked up and Rescued.
comments and messages and phone calls and emails.
asking What can we pray for? I am praying. We are praying.
the family of Christ. my One True Family.
i called out as David of old did and Christ in His infinite mercy and wisdom revealed Himself in my Family.
and i am totally on my knees in gratitude. and thankful.
how does one navigate life without a Holy God?
i saw it as a Hospice Nurse. i saw it in the hospital.
you can live without a Holy God but in the living for one’s self, you die with nothing. no Hope. no Compassion. nothing. Void.
you die as you lived – for yourself and in that there is no purpose but self.
you do not die well because you did not live well.
so.
come be a part of my Family. come live with a Holy Purpose.
come see what Christ will do for you with you through you.
because there is more to this life than self.
and we need each other in a way that we have never needed before.
seek Christ. call on His Name.
know that no matter what you think you have done – His Love is greater.


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my small little world

it isn’t that important.
i have no recent grief to deal with.
i am not in any pain or agony.
my life is not like others.
i have a home. food. warmth. a husband that loves me.
and yet. there is a tinge.
of sadness. regret. anger.
the plans i make get taken away.
with no question. or thought of what my hopes were for this Christmas.
to celebrate with my small family, my children, some friends.
to talk and laugh and watch old movies.
but no one asks and they make assumptions.
oh i need Jesus today. to change my mind and my heart.
to take the anger and spite out of me.
every time it happens i have to give up everything.
i have to go smile and kiss and eat and act like i am glad to be there.
but i am not. i want to be in my home with my tree and my people.
in my small little world. it has not ever been perfect.
i do not expect perfect. i would just like to once get to do what i planned.


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and now there are two.

24 hours of five under the roof. oh how i think on what was with Five. because now we are back to two. so for those with small ones please know you will miss everything when they are grown and gone. the nose kisses. the wet slobbery open mouth kisses. the snotty cheek kisses. reading books at night before you tuck them into bed. the anticipation of St. Nicholas and presents. the look on their faces in the glow of a candle on Christmas Eve. the sadness when there is no snow on Christmas Day.
Christmas 2018 was very nearly perfect. great food on Christmas Eve after getting home from church. wonderful Christmas Day with more great food and watching Marvel movies. presents were amazing all around!! more eating of lunch. and more Marvel movies. but in it all is the conversation and the listening and the watching. the three of them. i love to watch and listen. and pray for each of them. for their hearts. their friends. their jobs. their travels to and fro. for protection from the evil one. that they may come to know their purpose in the Kingdom of Christ and their need of Him in their hearts.
blessings to each who read this ~ praying your Christmas is full of love and Christ!


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last Friday of 2017 !

It really is the last Friday night of 2017… and today a 28 year old was buried due to opioid addiction. How does one celebrate the new year when their child has died? How do you get up in the morning? How do you eat without getting sick at the thought of never seeing your child again? in the depths of the swallowing consuming darkness God is there. His Son, the Babe just celebrated, took on this darkness and brought Light in to it. Jesus, Emmanuel ~ God with Us… is present in every nano second, every tear, every wound, every heart break. God’s heart was broken and He gave us Light and Life.  the scars of His beatings, His hanging on the Cross, the brutality we cannot imagine give God an understanding of our despair, our darkness, our life.
May these parents find strength and Light in the Holy One. to survive and tell the story of what He has done for them in their loss.


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unsure what to call it.

title, why does there have to be a title? and yet, it could be called numerous things.. but my first thought is Mistakes I have made.
Unfortunately there are too many to count. and the big one is to help my children understand that their personal happiness and wealth does not come from this earth. They flounder and I pray. and pray. and pray. I will keep praying and hope their eyes and hearts are opened to what REAL LIFE is about. That LOVE is about the blood of Christ. all three of them.
I realize I cannot live their life, that they are responsible adults, capable of making decisions for themselves. but this is hard, much harder than I ever ever thought.
Hoping that Spring comes and that summer isn’t too wet or too dry ~ but I am asking for a miracle. Blessings!


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the day after Christmass

oh the day after.  when I think about all the things I didn’t do or get done.  or the words I should have said that I didn’t.  this year was simple and good.  the 11pm service provided the calm of the cold night.  when I wonder what will the next year bring that I don’t want to think about or deal with.
the sun is shining defying the cold air.  the food over the last two days has been very good, but it is the family… the laughs, the hugs, the smiles, the big people that used to be little feet running around in footie pajamas that I would rather have here.  it isn’t the gifts, but the One Gift and what that means for all of us.  I keep praying they all come to understand that is the One Gift they need more than anything


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11 days.

to the birth of the Saviour!!  and to family being home.  I do not care about presents but having the children home and around the table, the promise of the future laughing and talking and planning and being with each other.  the Lord blessing me with their laughter, the sleeping faces, knowing we are family no matter what.  I miss those little faces and fingers and toes and cheeks and snotty noses ~ how time flies.
my days are a little less stressed right now….. but I am looking into the LAST SEMESTER OF GRAD SCHOOL.  it will not be easy, clinical hours with 3 classes and papers galore.  and by God’s grace I can do this.  who would have guessed?  not me, never me.  thankfully God knows all and i am hopeful to obey.
may you be safe today if it is snowing like it is outside my windows.  be warm, know you are Loved with eternal Love that never dies.