brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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current struggles

this is not your 2021 post. i don’t do those.
this is the current What i am dealing with in my mind post.
it will be raw. it will be real. and it is me.
this life. on Planet Earth.
the struggle of living between the already and the not yet.
to know that my heart belongs to my Saviour but my mind fights this allegiance.
reaching, grasping for explanation to events that have recently occurred.
to understand the behaviours of people that are supposed to care because they are ‘family’
trying to decipher what is it that my Lord wants me to do.
like do i really have to be nice to everyone? even when i am trampled on?
i scroll thru IG and everyone still appears perfect even in their ‘not perfect’ pics.
i see love and caring and giving and something that i cannot give a word to.
our conversations in the past have been do we expect too much from other people?
or we ask do we give too much to others, so much so, that the disappointment of relationships leaves a cavity in our lives?
am i expecting others to replace the One that fills my heart?
i have been through this before. it took two years of therapy and antidepressants to understand that my need of people is not truly a need.
and yet, here i am again. wanting to run away. to hide from work, family, friends, life in general.
why. why must i be the responsible adult? why do i hold myself accountable for everything?
every. little. thing.
is this dark cloud in my mind a result of the 2020 Pandemic that is holding all of us hostage?
why does the past creep into my brain and force me to relive events that aren’t worth reliving?
i am grateful that my children are grown, because then my energy is not spent at the end of the day with nothing left for them.
i am grateful for working remotely, because then i do not have to fake what i might truly want to say to my colleagues.
i would rather the narrative of my life not be intertwined in others, but just Him.
and yet, that is not my calling as a Follower of Jesus.
so in the end i fail Him as well.
and in the failing there is my Chief Shepherd looking for me. the one that is lost.
right now i am a little lost. but i know He is with me.


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he died of depression…

but it won’t be on his death certificate. I am a former hospice nurse and I know…. my client had cancer but the death certificate said pneumonia or CHF or whatever. Robin Williams died of depression.
i dealt with depression for two years. it was precipitated by several events in my life. i ended up seeing a counselor for those two years and was on antidepressants for one year. Mental health issues are not easily resolved, sometimes never. for me, i had great help so that i wasn’t swallowed by the darkness of the pit i was in for a while.
we hide our mental health, so much so that when someone famous decides to end their life because the pit has swallowed them, we are shocked.
i am saddened that so many people in the world are scared to discuss what is really happening in their mind. that they fear losing friends and family and jobs. that to admit to mental health issues is in itself a death sentence sometimes. i had an older cousin that committed suicide. she had numerous attempts, was rescued, but eventually she freed herself of whatever was in her mind by ending her life.
life is precious. life is valuable. the decision to end a life is a personal choice that unless we can see the darkness we will not understand it. i am hoping we can have compassion for those around us living in a pit and do what ever we can to help them out.