life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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it is a perfect weekend. warm. the colours are turning on the trees.
the moon is amazing every night shining through my skylight
and God is on the Throne of Heaven.
every day He watches and waits on me. to come to Him.
to call to HIm. to lean on only HIm.
and i fail every day. OMG… if you knew what was in my head.
which means my heart needs some serious work.
and today i was reminded by my wise sister that even in old age He cares so much for us that no matter what we thought our life would be like He loves us so much that He will change us in our circumstances to be more like Him.
and so my ‘what I thought would be may not be’ and He already knew that.
and in that He will wait on me to listen to Him alone.
in her tears she admitted to what she thought this stage of her life would be like but it isn’t. and like Much Afraid, she is learning about His love for her over and over again. so i too, must learn at this stage of my life.
and wait. and listen. and lean on Christ.
what are you waiting on? what are you trying to control?
what will you have to give up to journey with the King of Heaven?

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work life balance

is there such a thing? work life balance. the illusion of actually having balance.
the only way I see any hope for balance is to not work in a job that forces me to leave my home.
work life balance. buzz words. it doesn’t matter. the achievable is out of reach.
to balance Jesus is more attainable ~ to try to be Him in every circumstance should be my goal. and in attempting that, I will see the ‘balance’ of whatever life brings me on this earth.
the illusion… the deception….. the notion that there is balance on earth is not true. there is no balance without Christ. that is the goal.

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days and nights

It is ‘spring break’ at my job, but it doesn’t feel like Spring. Snow and cold winds for the last two days and today is grey and gloomy,  with snow spitting mixed with rain. I will work some over break at the office. I get so much more accomplished with no students there and most of the faculty gone. I am reading the She Reads Truth Lenten study with my Sarah for Easter preparation. If you haven’t read any of their blog, you should. The other study that has been thought provoking is from First 5. It is an app and is wonderful for being able to read anywhere.
My Sarah is coming home tomorrow and will be here until Wednesday morning. I am excited!!!  She wants to go to West Side Market on Monday, so we will get up early and head north to eat breakfast there and be foodies. Hoping to find some lamb for Easter and something good for dinner. Tuesday the plan is to head to Kidron and shop at Lehman’s. We will also head to quilt stores, material stores, and lunch. Excited for the days we will spend together. When she heads home on Wednesday I will head to work.
Hope your weekend is a good one! Blessings!!

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It is the month of March already.  Here in Ohio it is the craziest weather of all.  This past week we had almost 60degree weather and today the wind chill is 22 and snowy blowy.  I am wondering what summer will be like.
And there are about 11 weeks of the school year left.  I am rather tired of high school students.  Their lack of work, their whining, the fact that most of them do not read anything, do not study, do not put any effort into their education.  And sadder is the administration.  They have decided to install a coffee shop to sell coffee, donuts, cinnamon buns.  Yet the students cannot sell candy, beef jerky or any food item for fundraisers.  They are not allowed to have bake sales at school either.  (blame Michelle Obama) BUT they can put a coffee shop in.  I want to know the logic in this.
So I continue to pray for guidance and leading.  Who do I help? Who do I trust?  Which way does He want me to go?  I am hoping that He sends me elsewhere soon.

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January 1, 2012

Star Wars is on ~ great way to begin the New Year.   “I got a bad feeling about this” “Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way.”
and this year brings 366 days to wonder about, to be thankful for, to consider each day the goodness of Jesus, to know I am His Beloved.
the world is changing and we believers in Christ must be faithful. it is not about being clever, or popular, or the best dressed but about knowing Christ is with us.
I went to the Abbey of the Genesee last week.  Three days with the monks and smelling divine bread being baked. Quiet. no phone, no television, no radio, no expectations.  And in Bethany house and the Abbey chapel the Holy Spirit revealed what I need to work on in me through Him.  Watching the monks, listening to the cadence of the Psalms being sung, hearing the homilies with Mass.
I reconsidered friendship in  2011, basically knowing I would lose friends or the friendship would change.  I did not meet fit their box and so they let go.  At first I wanted to ask if they could see what they were doing…. but I did not in the end.  It would be futile and they would still think me wrong or selfish or whatever.
I attempted to speak to my mother in 2011.  She has not spoken to me in 4 years.  I set up a meeting with her at her church with her minister as the 3rd party.  It ended as I expected and my mother still acts like a 16 year old married to an alcoholic.  It is strange that she should choose to live her life this way, but as in all codependent relationships she does not see it and I can do nothing about it.  The rift she believes that happened will always be my fault and I am strong enough to know it is not my responsibility, but her life choice that has done this.
In 2011 I accepted that life lessons are to teach me dependence on God my Father.  The most difficult one being bankruptcy.  I feel like a total failure sometimes but must keep in mind that this was for a purpose, not just for Sam but for me too.  It should have been done 25 years ago, but because of pride was done last year.
In 2011 I began graduate school for a Master’s in Nursing.  I still am not sure if that was the best decision.  It is the most difficult thing I have done other than therapy for PTSD and depression.  The workload is time consuming and life sucking…. and I love the learning.  I am hopeful the Lord will bless my effort in it and take me where I can serve the Kingdom best.
I do not make resolutions at the New Year.  I am hoping this year will be better because of what I know to be true ~ a life in Christ.

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went to a gathering of believers last night.  lots of people i knew there from my past church and life.  worshipping, communion, all the things you do in a fellowship of believers.  but what are their intentions when they come to hug me or ask me how things are?  maybe i shouldn’t question their intentions?  what does it matter to me?  i keep being reminded that i am only to love no matter how i am treated or their intentions.  but it hurts to think of what i have shared, what i have given of myself, what i have lost to others. and in this, do i understand a very small bit about my Saviour.  what He gave, how He loved, the pain and anguish He endured to love.  how can i love like that?  how can i love and not think of what their intentions are?  i smile, i talk, but i still wonder.  and in that is my earthly sin.  so i pray to be more like Him.