life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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what will you do with your life?

oh dear world…. planet Earth…. the Creation by God.
what will you do? are you weeping?
because if not, you should be.
this week. what a week. it is a revelation into mankind.
sad that the two words for humanity are Man and Kind.
because this week there has been so little KIND in the news.
but MAN – HUMANkind – has been busy destroying each other.
what can i do to help you see that it isn’t about colour.
that what you see on my skin does not define me as a person.
my current IG picture are my two youngest.
my son. born into my heart when he was 7 months old.
I fell in love with him in the social worker’s office.
chubby cheeks, afro, gorgeous eyes. and a brilliant smile.
and he had no home. his mum could not care for him.
she did the hardest toughest most loving thing she could do.
she gave him up. I have a son because of her love.
my girls have a brother because of her love.
and he is mine. i played baseball and soccer and basketball with him.
i helped him learn to ride a bicycle.
i read to him each night in his bed.
i tried to be a good mum. but that isn’t easy.
especially when he walked out the door into the world.
no matter where it was – preschool, middle school, high school, the Marines.
what would happen? how would they treat him? what would they say to him? would he be called names?
i tried to help him understand ignorance and racism.
i attempted to help him know respect and value of life and honour.
we tried. and still in 2020 in the USA people cannot stop being ignorant.
so if you cannot figure this out go read….
barb roose
or find kirk franklin’s IG message from Relevant Magazine.
or read The Color of Water by James McBride.
or so many other things.
and if you are appalled by this… speak up. ask how to help.
educate yourself and others.
and pray that God will reveal Himself to us all so we can LOVE each other.

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it is here

the day she leaves.
she is upstairs rushing around like a crazy girl.
weighing her suitcases every 10 minutes.
packing. unpacking. checking to see does she have all the ‘important’ items.
shipping is difficult as the post does not cooperate with packages in her new home town. so she worries about what to have me mail.
the washing machine is going with some last items to pack.
and i sit here and listen.
i want to stop time. to go back. to play in the attic again. to read bedtime stories again. to play on the swingset. to watch her dig in the garden with chubby little hands. to hear her tiny giggles.
oh so many things in my mind. and my heart.
keep her safe Lord.
keep her well Lord.
keep her mind on You, Lord.
let her love well, Lord.
let her not be afraid, Lord.
be with her in her comings and goings Lord.
let her know she is Yours, Lord.

i am going to watch her walk through security at the airport.
i am going to pray for the best for the rest of her life.
i am going to love her until i die.
oh Lord, i need Your strength today to watch her go into her future.

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waiting 3 months

she has been waiting three months. to be with her husband and now it is almost here.
how does one be sad and happy at the same time?
they got married November 15th and then it began. the wait for the paperwork.
the name change on all the forms.
the trip to Chicago to the French Consulate to turn in more paperwork.
the First Christmas and First New Year’s without him.
quiet tears alone in her room.
and now… 7 days. she will be on the plane with two suitcases leaving the rest behind.
off to be with him… in Paris the City of Lights.
for the new journey as his partner for the rest of her life.
and I want to cry for happiness for her. but with a tinge of momness – that thought that she will never be in her bedroom again, baking in my kitchen again, laughing at the dinner table again, and so many other things.
that sense that she will visit, but it will never be permanent because this is not her home. her home is where her heart is and that is with him.
and he loves her. cares for her. wants the best for her.
so i have to let her go… as i have done so many many times… only now this is the last time. this is the very last time.
and i know this is what we raise our children for – that God only us a certain amount of time with them and raise them to be His.
no one told me how hard this would be. how much it hurts.
but she cannot stay. to stay would kill her spirit and purpose.
so off she will go… and i will cry and pray and be happy all at one time.


different kind of summer.

Summer has begun. Officially.
only there is stuff. there is always stuff. i hate stuff.
the weather here has not been cooperative for our farmers. I live in a farming community – and let me tell you it is a rough summer. Wet. Wet. More WET.
the corn and soy crops were at least 6 weeks behind in getting planted.
then they got planted and were up maybe 3 to 4 inches. and then….
more rain. and more rain. and more rain.
the fields were under water.
so, there are farmers that didn’t plant anything taking the insurance money.
and there are farmers that planted and now are at a huge loss.
we already will have no Ohio peaches because of the winter/spring weather.
now there will be no corn for animals for next winter and no corn for people in the fall.
what does a farmer do when this happens? how do they survive? what do they do to pay their bills? what happens to fields laying fallow for a whole year?

and next up is church. my Samwise is a pastor of a small church.
what the heck is wrong with people? like they want to go back to worship the way it was in 1957!!
i mean really – lets just kill the church now.
because it is all about them. forget the neighborhood – the people raising their grandchildren that could use help.
or the people addicted to drugs and alcohol that come for AA and NA that can use our help.
or the children that need to hear about the love of Jesus.
oh noooo… they aren’t the ‘right’ people. they don’t dress like us. they don’t vote like us…
oh Lord… help me keep my mouth shut and pray for what they don’t ‘see’. for our hearts. for our church to be like Jesus no matter what.

then next would be my job. i have a job. it actually entails 2.5 jobs.
i am grateful for employment. it pays the bills. my student loans. my house payment. food. medical bills. you get the jest.
BUT what are you trying to teach me Lord in this job? it is wearing me out. it is draining. and depressing. when those around me work to cheat the system they are in. when they defend people that lie. when they don’t say anything when people actually steal in ways that aren’t easily proved.
how do i respond to this? how do i love in this?
how the heck can i be like Jesus to these people?

and don’t get me started on students.
what the heck is wrong with them?
they complain. and whine. and are extremely negative.
taking no responsibility for their learning. their education.
expecting it to be handed over to them.
don’t get me started. it isn’t pretty.

stuff. family. marriage. children. taxes. life.
but in it all is the realization that the Lord is in control. He is there in every moment.
i breathe because He says BREATHE.
i exist because His Holy Spirit fills me.
i know of Him because of His Son’s death for my life.
so i wait. and watch. and be silent. brain be still and watch for Him.

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and now there are two.

24 hours of five under the roof. oh how i think on what was with Five. because now we are back to two. so for those with small ones please know you will miss everything when they are grown and gone. the nose kisses. the wet slobbery open mouth kisses. the snotty cheek kisses. reading books at night before you tuck them into bed. the anticipation of St. Nicholas and presents. the look on their faces in the glow of a candle on Christmas Eve. the sadness when there is no snow on Christmas Day.
Christmas 2018 was very nearly perfect. great food on Christmas Eve after getting home from church. wonderful Christmas Day with more great food and watching Marvel movies. presents were amazing all around!! more eating of lunch. and more Marvel movies. but in it all is the conversation and the listening and the watching. the three of them. i love to watch and listen. and pray for each of them. for their hearts. their friends. their jobs. their travels to and fro. for protection from the evil one. that they may come to know their purpose in the Kingdom of Christ and their need of Him in their hearts.
blessings to each who read this ~ praying your Christmas is full of love and Christ!

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unsure what to call it.

title, why does there have to be a title? and yet, it could be called numerous things.. but my first thought is Mistakes I have made.
Unfortunately there are too many to count. and the big one is to help my children understand that their personal happiness and wealth does not come from this earth. They flounder and I pray. and pray. and pray. I will keep praying and hope their eyes and hearts are opened to what REAL LIFE is about. That LOVE is about the blood of Christ. all three of them.
I realize I cannot live their life, that they are responsible adults, capable of making decisions for themselves. but this is hard, much harder than I ever ever thought.
Hoping that Spring comes and that summer isn’t too wet or too dry ~ but I am asking for a miracle. Blessings!

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days and nights

It is ‘spring break’ at my job, but it doesn’t feel like Spring. Snow and cold winds for the last two days and today is grey and gloomy,  with snow spitting mixed with rain. I will work some over break at the office. I get so much more accomplished with no students there and most of the faculty gone. I am reading the She Reads Truth Lenten study with my Sarah for Easter preparation. If you haven’t read any of their blog, you should. The other study that has been thought provoking is from First 5. It is an app and is wonderful for being able to read anywhere.
My Sarah is coming home tomorrow and will be here until Wednesday morning. I am excited!!!  She wants to go to West Side Market on Monday, so we will get up early and head north to eat breakfast there and be foodies. Hoping to find some lamb for Easter and something good for dinner. Tuesday the plan is to head to Kidron and shop at Lehman’s. We will also head to quilt stores, material stores, and lunch. Excited for the days we will spend together. When she heads home on Wednesday I will head to work.
Hope your weekend is a good one! Blessings!!

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being a Mum

I am blessed with three children. I did not give birth to them all, but they are mine. I miss the days of nursing my children, of the soft cheeks on mine, bath time, cuddle time, into bed snuggle time, reading time, nap times, soccer games, baseball, basketball, ballet, music lessons… and the things that filled their childhood and I got to be their mother. I am still their mother – but it is different. They are young adults and have moved out on their own. But I am still their mother. Their accomplishments are wonderful and they are not done. I became a mother/mommy/mum with my children and they have blessed me until I want to burst! Thank you Jesus for my sweet children ~ I keep praying for Your protection, Your guidance and Your mercy in their lives.

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things that are hidden

difficult week.  good week.  it is really hot here in Ohio and i have worked every day in the  garden.  there is one bed that is particularly full of maple tree roots because of soil that had been placed in it from the start.  it was the only bed i had to double dig this year.  the other 5 beds are all pretty good when it comes to loose soil and aeration.
one of the girls heard from their brother, which is good.  but since he up and left his job and apartment and life, he still can’t seem to walk in young adulthood.  so while i was digging in the garden, i always pray. for him  and the girls and Gabi in uganda and Sam as he is in training for his next bike ride this summer and life… all of it ~ the life we live on earth. for the Hope of Christ’s return and do away with the evil one here.  all of it.

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friday nites

…used to be date night with my hubby.  but since he got on a bike I don’t think he will ever be home again on a friday night.  and that is okay.  it is amazing what has been going on with him.  and i have lots to do here.
like grad school is going to fry my brain!  i will be happy with a C in pathophysiology.  i hate admitting that, but it is the absolute truth.
i should be paying bills, but here i am… and listening to Matt Redman .  He has a new disc entitled 10,000 Reasons.  it is amazing.  amazing. that man is so talented.  i sure hope he is in charge of the choir in heaven.
my youngest had her wisdom teeth out this week. so the oldest daughter came up to help out today and is upstairs.  she is looking through boxes of her life… high school, France, college.  girls are all home.  i am blessed.
makes me want to cry.  i want my babies back.  but only if i keep all the knowledge i have now.  i want their sweet little smiles, their fat little hands, their padded feet.  i want to sit on the floor and play.  i want to push them on a swing.  i want to build a tent in the house on a rainy day.  oh the fun we had.  i am so glad i got to stay home.
but … the bills and the laundry and the reading grad school books are calling… so hope your weekend is a good one… enjoy each moment.