life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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he died of depression…

but it won’t be on his death certificate. I am a former hospice nurse and I know…. my client had cancer but the death certificate said pneumonia or CHF or whatever. Robin Williams died of depression.
i dealt with depression for two years. it was precipitated by several events in my life. i ended up seeing a counselor for those two years and was on antidepressants for one year. Mental health issues are not easily resolved, sometimes never. for me, i had great help so that i wasn’t swallowed by the darkness of the pit i was in for a while.
we hide our mental health, so much so that when someone famous decides to end their life because the pit has swallowed them, we are shocked.
i am saddened that so many people in the world are scared to discuss what is really happening in their mind. that they fear losing friends and family and jobs. that to admit to mental health issues is in itself a death sentence sometimes. i had an older cousin that committed suicide. she had numerous attempts, was rescued, but eventually she freed herself of whatever was in her mind by ending her life.
life is precious. life is valuable. the decision to end a life is a personal choice that unless we can see the darkness we will not understand it. i am hoping we can have compassion for those around us living in a pit and do what ever we can to help them out.


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New job, new office… new outlook.

New desk IMG_20140530_091048 View from my window IMG_20140530_103837

Here are some pictures from my very own office. I never had an office before.  Since I have a new job I got an office.  I am teaching nursing students!!!  I am so very excited! I know some people might say that it is ‘new job’ -itis or the honeymoon period which will wear off BUT I don’t think so. I am excited about the potential of the next day and the next day and the next.  I wonder what God is going to do next???


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Last Semester

The last semester of graduate school…. and I am wondering about my choices.  Very concerned about getting a job at the college level and if I do it will involve a major cut in finances.  I know ~ the Lord is in charge, He wants me to be steadfast in Him, but this side of Heaven is very difficult.
I question my current job – what good am I as an instructor if they won’t take responsibility for their actions?  Their lack of study, lack of listening, unwillingness to take notes or be accountable?  If I do teach college will the students there be the same?  Only wanting to be spoon fed the information, not willing to search for an answer or do the hard work?  The state expects teachers to be wizards – somehow get the student to study, test well, be responsible despite their  home life, their personal choices, all the things I have no control over.
There is much to be done over the next 16 weeks… so off I go!!!

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2013 is almost here…

I think of my grandmother that said how time goes faster as we get older, how right she was.  I wish I had both my grandmothers here. I miss them so much.
Our Christmas was small this year, but we were all together – Sarah, her love Andrew, Jedidiah and Emmah.  It was a good Christmas, the Lord blessed us without drama from Jed and a relaxing but rushed time.  We never have enough time, but it was very nice.  We then drove Jedidiah to his home which is 2 hours south of here, but due to the blizzard that hit Ohio it took us about 2.5 hrs to get there, almost 3 hours to get home.  So many cars and semi trucks in ditches but my Samwise kept it slow and steady and got us home.
I do not make resolutions for the new year.  This year we probably won’t have any one over like in the past – I am thinking it will be a simple new year’s eve with just us.  I will be busy with grad school, with work and with trying to stay on top of home and garden.
I look forward to what the year will bring, but would rather the Lord returned to us and took us to our real Home.
more later….

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morning meetings

Took emmie to the airport for her week of vacation which she needs.  Only 5 weeks until her college semester begins.  Came home, changed, went off to a student home visit.  The visit was actually at the fire station in the small town because the student volunteers there as do his parents.  It was a good meeting as most of them are.  Then I left there to head to church even tho I was late.  I hate being late.  Get there for the last song, stood at the back as it was really really dark.  Lites came up a little, no seats where I was.  I refuse to go up front.  walked out, went to the center, still dark inside, but found a seat.  someone leaned over and said ‘I’m sorry, these are taken.’  So, I got up, walked out to go over to the last door but on my way out as I opened the door there were guys coming in and almost spilled their coffee.  so, i went to the bathroom to calm down and then i left and came home.  I know I am hypersensitive and I hate hate hate being late, especially for church, BUT if i had been a person who was new, thought it started at 1130 and got that kind of reception, i would have said forget this church.  sometimes I don’t think we know how we ‘appear’ or come off to others.  it is what it is.