brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul

current struggles

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this is not your 2021 post. i don’t do those.
this is the current What i am dealing with in my mind post.
it will be raw. it will be real. and it is me.
this life. on Planet Earth.
the struggle of living between the already and the not yet.
to know that my heart belongs to my Saviour but my mind fights this allegiance.
reaching, grasping for explanation to events that have recently occurred.
to understand the behaviours of people that are supposed to care because they are ‘family’
trying to decipher what is it that my Lord wants me to do.
like do i really have to be nice to everyone? even when i am trampled on?
i scroll thru IG and everyone still appears perfect even in their ‘not perfect’ pics.
i see love and caring and giving and something that i cannot give a word to.
our conversations in the past have been do we expect too much from other people?
or we ask do we give too much to others, so much so, that the disappointment of relationships leaves a cavity in our lives?
am i expecting others to replace the One that fills my heart?
i have been through this before. it took two years of therapy and antidepressants to understand that my need of people is not truly a need.
and yet, here i am again. wanting to run away. to hide from work, family, friends, life in general.
why. why must i be the responsible adult? why do i hold myself accountable for everything?
every. little. thing.
is this dark cloud in my mind a result of the 2020 Pandemic that is holding all of us hostage?
why does the past creep into my brain and force me to relive events that aren’t worth reliving?
i am grateful that my children are grown, because then my energy is not spent at the end of the day with nothing left for them.
i am grateful for working remotely, because then i do not have to fake what i might truly want to say to my colleagues.
i would rather the narrative of my life not be intertwined in others, but just Him.
and yet, that is not my calling as a Follower of Jesus.
so in the end i fail Him as well.
and in the failing there is my Chief Shepherd looking for me. the one that is lost.
right now i am a little lost. but i know He is with me.

Author: melinda

a follower of Christ & a Daughter of the Great High King of Heaven disguised as a wife, a mum, a nurse, a baker, a gardener, a teacher, an artist and many things unknown by others.

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