i cannot write this without tears.
tears of loss. tears of regret. tears of love.
both of my fathers are gone. for too long they have been gone from this earthly life.
so i have no one to call upon as an earthly father.
my Heavenly Father was made known to me when i was 15.
i have never been alone without a Father.
but to my earthly fathers.
the words of my heart hang in the air. spoken but not heard.
i am sorry. so sorry.
for what i didn’t say. for what i didn’t tell you.
my birth father. who left when i was 13 and then died 10 years later.
the chasm of loss in my life was huge but so it was in yours.
only i know now that you did not know how to father because you did not have a father either.
so how would you know to love a child when you yourself weren’t loved?
or if you were loved it was in a way and fashion that might have hurt.
and then to my stepfather – also long gone from this earth.
that you stayed in the marriage and you remained calm and level headed.
in your way you loved me and i missed some of it.
for what you were to the grandchildren – that will never be forgotten.
Ann Voskamp has said it best today.
“You cannot deeply love your parents until you grieve the deep wounds of their life.”
in that, for the brokenness of my life comes from what my parents knew in their growing up. and i think of my children and the brokenness of my life placed into their lives. will they forgive me and try to understand what has happened that shaped me? and will they remember that in it in my life was Christ? that there is nothing of value in my life without Him?
so if my earthly fathers were here in front of me I would say thank you, i love you. you both did well as the father you could be. you loved me as you knew how to. you have done a good job in providing for me, in shaping me, in caring for me.
Thank you to Glenn and to Howard for the love you shared of yourself to me. I wish you were here. I wish I could see you and hug you.