life as it is seen from my heart and soul

just another day

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i know it is Mother’s day.  i have 3 children. i have a mother still alive.  but i am the one with the crazy mother.  and i fear becoming like her.  something happened to her when my youngest went to high school.  my mother came to the conclusion she wasn’t needed or loved in the right way by us. so she found someone else who would ‘love’ her. i use the word ‘love’ lightly because  her definition of ‘love’ is rather narcissistic and self serving.  she found a 54 year old homeless jobless alcoholic with  huge mental health and physical health issues.  for two years she acted like a 13 year old trying to hide her relationship with this man.  and then they ran off and got married in Las Vegas.

my mother hasn’t spoken to me in almost 5 years.  in that time period i was finishing up therapy for depression and some issues from my growing up.  this has been a defining moment in my adulthood.  she isn’t dead, but she is. she has absolutely no idea what she has done ~ the damage she has caused with her granddaughter’s relationship with her. she will never understand.  it is all my fault. I am the one to blame for all of this.  i doubt she will ever understand.

we all make choices.  in making our choices we need to stop and consider the ripple effect of the choice.  how many will it hurt?  what will the long term repercussions be? is there a better choice?  my mother only ever thought about herself. i didn’t realize that until i was an adult.  i am hopeful not to repeat her choices.

Author: melinda

a follower of Christ & a Daughter of the Great High King of Heaven disguised as a wife, a mum, a nurse, a baker, a gardener, a teacher, an artist and many things unknown by others.

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