i am sliding back. if i had a conch shell i would crawl in and never come out until january. i cannot believe how difficult this month has been already and the holiday is not even here yet. i cannot imagine what it will be like as it gets closer. what shall i do? i think of jumping. or driving. or separating the flesh. or crashing. i would like to crash. no memory, instant, gone, poof. it just has to be done well. that is how i feel most of the time. if you see me, you wouldn’t know it. i am good at deception. which is guess you could say would be dishonesty. so i am dishonest in my relationships. that is the way i survive right now. or i would be crying all the time and look horrible. not that i am pretty or anything. enough, so long.