how do you understand much of what seems to be going on? how does one understand their own part in what appears to be a massive mess of emotion, pain, brokenness, anguish? there are many whys. and if i am a person of faith my brain is supposed to understand that heaven has taken care of everything. but there are just some things easier said than done. i cannot rationalize most of this. i slept last night but not without numerous dreams. my largest question is where is Christ in the midst of what seems to be chaos. i am accused of rejecting a person. how does one continue to love and give without excrutiating pain? how do you live under rejection? is this what it means to be ‘spit upon’ without the actual spittle? or to be trampled without the footprints? and i know there are no answers on this earth. i can write about it or share with my sisters. there is sadness for what we live with, there is compassion, but there are no answers and they don’t really truly understand. i truly feel like there was a mistake made yet there is no turning back now. there never was a turning back. that was never an option. if i were to die with just a split second of thought prior to death ~ i would die with great regret for much of my life and my choices. i am reminded that possibly my father was right in one of his stuporous drunks – i should have stayed single and never married.
